Cancer

Words Have Power

Research shows that the statement “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is untrue. Words not only influence how we feel but how we experience the world around us—our reality. They can lift us up or bring us down and even cause harm (e.g. bullying).

Thus, they can be a source of great power, but also, of incredible disempowerment.

Just for Today

Can I tell myself just for today
that I love myself
That if ever I was to love myself
It would be today in this moment

Reality of Breast Cancer

Cancer comes with a mixed bag of emotions. I started out with denial, so part of that was the absence of language. I didn’t say that I had “breast cancer” and I barely reference it by name. I will say “my diagnosis” or “this situation” or “what I’m going through.” I don’t acknowledge its presence in my life because I don’t want it to define me or become too much a part of my life. Although it is. 

Understood Listening

The word “understand” seems like a simple word to comprehend, but it is not as simple as it seems. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a slew of medical professionals try to deduce my symptoms and the side effects I experienced without looking at me as an individual. They read and looked at their words but did not listen to my words. They chose to lessen my words.

Oh F***, You’re the One

In 2017, I was an undergraduate student at the University of California, Santa Cruz. One of my (many) jobs was in the IT Office on campus at the Helpdesk. This cute guy would walk up to my desk and chat with me, and I thought he was a graduate student until he asked if I was in a large lecture class. I was and so was he! We found out we were both majoring in Technology Information Management and began studying together.

The Things You Said, the Things I Heard

The things you said versus what I heard… these are words that we hear and the way they warmed.

“I am happy to drive you”

Thank you for not only offering something specific but attaching emotion to this offer. Thank you for knowing that driving is not my favorite thing; my car is not reliable and driving can be exhausting.

What Happens To Me Affects Who I Become

The mainstream rhetoric for a reality lived with cancer is filled with battle imagery and military terms. As if cancer and the human being diagnosed with it are opposing forces destined to have met on a battlefield set in array for the epic fray of good (the human) versus evil (the cancer).

PTSD: The Missed Diagnosis

When the word PTSD comes to mind, for some reason, I think about soldiers who have fought in the army or someone who had rough traumas. Maybe the soldier is my first thought because my husband is an Army veteran who served in the Iraqi war just after September 11. PTSD is something that he has dealt with since returning to civilian life.

I Captured the Flag, Now What?

I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I went from “cancer patient” to “cancer survivor.” It’d be nice to post an annual ribbon on Facebook with a triumphant, inspirational message. After all, survivors are done with all the yucky parts of cancer, right? Survivorship is the ultimate “good vibes only” party and I’d like to know when I was invited.

Loneliness and Isolation: We Are Not Alone

In 2021 life was good. My kids were in school full-time and I was offered a job at the gym that I loved so dearly. I was already spending an hour a day every day there anyway so it was awesome when they made me an offer. That was November. Little did I know that within two months my life would be suddenly and drastically put on hold. In January 2022 I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.