Cancer

Deciduous: A Poem for Processing Chemo Hair Loss

This year, I get to be deciduous.

Drop my cells to the floor, prep the soil for this post-traumatic growth that I’m sowing.

My Path to “Re–”

It has been nearly two years since diagnosis, and I feel so far from rediscovering myself.

Reclaiming my body.

Resuming my life.

Recapturing lost time.

Or repairing broken relationships.

Love and Gratitude Help to Overcome Anxiety

It’s in the fine evening of September 2019 that I had so much confusion and having headache; I already have peptitmal (partial seizures) for the last 15 years and I took anti-seizure medications to control the seizures and I had developed a lot of side effects due to those drugs. I thought it was also due to that and my chronic illness and fatigue effects have been like that for the past 15 years.

After Cancer You 2.0

It’s not always straightforward. It doesn’t “end after treatment ends.” Of course, treatment doesn’t always end. Even when it does, the wonder at whether treatment will be needed again flickers continuously on and off in my brain. On. Off. On.

As an active young mom, writer, contemplative, and AYA cancer survivor, I think a lot.

Cancer Free!?

Is it possible to ever be free of cancer? The mutated cells can be erradicated, health can return, life can move forward, but the grip cancer holds in my mind will remain. The fear that it could come back. That I must be on my guard, on the lookout for signs.

Cancer and Loneliness Are Besties

Cancer and loneliness are besties. They bond over the fact that each cancer journey is unique to the patient. They can gossip about how different we are and how cancer impacts us. The rumors are true; our treatment options, treatment plans, socioeconomic impact, family impact, etc., will all differ.

Cancer Created Me

Cancer changed everything. Some people like to pretend that it doesn’t change anything, but the raw fact is that it changes everything; life, family, friends, and most importantly yourself. Maybe they are in denial or have not come to terms with this burden. But within the dark crevices of Cancer it has a way of making you feel more deserving and as if you are a more superior being than you were before.

Bring It On, Boys

I found out I had cancer on a Thursday. Approximately 26 hours later, I was single.

Not only did he end things the day after my diagnosis, he removed me from his life via social media while I was still hospitalized after my surgery two weeks later. I had just received a “get well soon” card the day before I went under the knife and both he and his mother checked on me following surgery, so shock did not begin to describe what I felt.

Inevitable Change

Change.
Auburn leaves fall to the ground.
Magenta skies fade to black.
A lotus thrives in muddy water.
A caterpillar transitions.

Confined by the Present

It will never be the same
There are people all around me
They show their love
They show support
But it can only go skin deep