Breast Cancer

Long Progression

“I’d really just like to feel like me.”

That was my go-to answer. Just wanting to feel like me.

When my cancer was first diagnosed, I felt like my body betrayed me. The only thing I knew had started working against me and now I was left with a fierce mistrust that followed throughout my treatments, surgeries, recoveries, and everything after.

Cancer Haunts Me Still

The ghost of cancer haunts me—its presence lingering in the shadows of my memories, a specter that refuses to fade away. It was a day etched in sorrow and disbelief, a day when the fabric of my world unraveled before my eyes.

Silenced by the Language of Cancer

As a cancer patient, you learn a whole new language. Well, it’s regional: I learned the breast cancer dialect; you may be fluent in lymphoma. But we all learn it—no choice, total immersion, keep up or die. 75 visits to the hospital in one year is one heck of a Duolingo streak.

Just One Puzzle

Imagine this—you are visiting your parents for a weekend trip that your kids have been counting down to for weeks. You are sitting with your family, puzzle on the table and snacks abounding. Your family’s love for puzzles has passed down generations and across marriages, and there are two rules: nothing under 1,000 pieces and you always start with the border.

A Specter of Myself

I lost myself. I don’t recall a specific date or time nor a fleeting moment. It happened somewhere between the dozens of oncology appointments, $10,000 bags of poison, the 100,000 hairs I shed, and the 100 pounds of weight I gained.

Cancer Made the People Come Back

They emerged from long silences and came from all times and many different places. They drew as near as possible through words and cards, and so many flowers—so many my small house could not even hold them all.

Dear Cancer: I Will Never Say Thank You

Dear Cancer,

If I tell you this, promise not to tell anyone else, because I can barely bring myself to write it, and I will never say this out loud.

Dearest Cancer

Dear Cancer,

July 1, 2020. You entered my life like a subway train speeding to its next stop. You brought so many words. Terrifying words. Confusing words. Complicated words. Hormones. Invasive ductal carcinoma. Margins. Stages. Lymph nodes. Metastasis. Surgery.

Two Ribbons

Dear Cancer, I never would have thought that December 31, 2019, would be a day I would receive news that would change my life forever. I was in a complete state of denial, shock, and disbelief as I sat in my car in a parking lot.

Dear Cancer, You Came Into My Life…

You came into my life as a nagging change—a slight pull to the left and a dimple on my breast. “It’s nothing. I am too young for it to be something.” I took you with me to visit my doctor.