Anxiety Stream

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There’s a lyric from Snoh Aalegra’s song “Violet Skies” that goes “I’ve always been a worrier, but I’ll always be a warrior”. For some reason, that lyric stuck with me when I started my cancer journey. Probably because I, too, have always been a worrier. My constant worrying did not start with my cancer diagnosis in January 2024, and it certainly won’t end once my treatment does this year. Thoughts of work, family, friends, bills, and my health all tumble around my mind at all hours of the day and night. Oftentimes, my thoughts jump from one topic to the next, so I thought the best way for me to show how I adulted through cancer was to give you a peek into the never ending stream of anxious thoughts I had throughout my diagnosis and treatment. Hopefully my thoughts will make my fellow worrying warriors feel less alone.

“When would you like to book your biopsy?
We can see you as early as tomorrow morning.”
I already took the day off to be here for my mammogram today.
What is my boss going to think if I suddenly need to take tomorrow off too?
I could put the biopsy off until after New Years next week…
Do I email my boss now or just tell her if she’s in the office tomorrow?
Am I going to die?
Is my daughter going to grow up without me?
My mom didn’t get sick until I was 16 and now my 7-year-old might face life with a chronically ill mother at a much younger age than I did.
Who’s going to take care of mom if something happens to me?

“We’ll see you tomorrow at 11:30!”
I’ll just go in extra early to work as many hours as possible and ask to use PTO for the remainder of the day.
How do I tell my husband?
What should I tell my daughter?
What if she asks if I’m going to die?
My father left after my mother got sick.
Is my husband going to leave me, too?
What do I tell my middle brother?
We lost our youngest brother at the beginning of this year.
I’m all he has left.

“Hello, Mrs. Grady. I’m not sure if you got a chance to see your biopsy results. You have invasive ductal carcinoma.”
Can people work while undergoing cancer treatments?
How much time am I going to need off from work?
Am I going to lose my job?
I carry all our insurance benefits.
Will my insurance still be active while I’m on leave?
Will short term disability pay the same salary?
Maybe it’ll just be a surgery, and I can return in a month.

“Based on your pathology report, your treatment plan will consist of 4 months of TCHP, followed by surgery.”
How are we going to be able to afford things if I’m out of work that long?
Will I have to pull my daughter from before and after school care or her extracurriculars?
Chemo will be done every 3 weeks.
Maybe I can work in between each infusion so I don’t burn through my disability benefits in case things don’t go smoothly or I need more treatments.
When do I tell my daughter?
I guess this means no vacations this year.
Will I lose my hair?
I looked up cold capping and could not find many success stories in women of color.
Will people treat me differently at work?
I should probably write down all the passwords for our online accounts so my husband can pay the bills if I’m not feeling well enough to remember.

“I’m sorry. We’re delaying your chemo this round until you can follow up with a pulmonologist.”
Now I need to rearrange my work schedule next week and cancel any meetings for the following week.
Should I let my boss know now that I’ll be in on Monday instead of being off since I didn’t have chemo?
At least my cancer treatment deferment request for my student loans was approved.
That’s one less bill to worry about right now and we can use the money to put towards summer camp expenses.
My husband has seemed irritable and stressed lately.
Should I suggest that he see a counselor?
If I mention that the house is a bit of a mess, will he be upset?
I could try to clean when I have the energy.
But I never have enough energy anymore.
Mom has a neurology appointment that I’m going to miss now.
I need to call my brother to see if he can take mom to her appointment.

“Now that you’ve finished chemotherapy, we can schedule your lumpectomy for 6 weeks from now.”
More time off of work.
How am I going to fill out my self-evaluation for my performance review this year?
How long of a recovery will a lumpectomy take?
What are my breasts going to look like?
Is my husband going to find me less attractive?
One of my employees just put in her notice.
I need to backfill her position quickly before I go on another leave.
How am I going to find and train someone that quickly?
How is my team going to manage without me for another month?
They survived while you were intermittently out for chemo so what’s another month right?

“Great news! Your pathology report showed no evidence of disease! Next step is radiation which will be done daily for 4 weeks and immunotherapy injections every 3 weeks until February.”
How am I supposed to manage work with daily appointments?
If the appointments are at the beginning or the end of the day, I guess I can work around that.
But what if I can only be seen in the middle of the work day?
Will I be able to be around my coworkers and my family while I undergo radiation?
How is the radiation going to affect my skin?
What if I have to take more time off work?
Well…my health needs to come first.
I cannot help my family or my team if I’m not feeling well.
If I want to be here for my daughter, I have to get through this next step.

“Both tamoxifen and the aromatase inhibitors are tablets that are taken daily for at least 5 years to reduce the recurrence of breast cancer. Here are some medication handouts to help you decide whether you’d like to take tamoxifen alone, tamoxifen plus ovarian suppression injections or an aromatase inhibitor plus ovarian suppression injections.”
If I choose ovarian suppression, how are the menopause symptoms going to affect my life?
Things have already been strained between my husband and I.
Will any of these medications affect my mood or libido and possibly make our issues worse?
What if the medications affect my mood at work?
What if I have to step down from my management position?
What if I have a recurrence because I chose not to suppress my ovaries?
Am I just constantly going to second guess any medical decision I have to make?
My arm has been bothering me since my surgery.
If I tell the oncology team about it, they’re going to refer me to PT.
That means rearranging my work schedule again for more appointments.
But I need to be able to use my arm, so I need to keep putting myself first and just tell them.

“After today, you only have 2 doses left of your immunotherapy injections. Has anyone reached out to you about our survivorship resources?”
Will that finally mean less appointments?
I will be able to get through a work week without having to go in early or stay late to make up for appointments.
Maybe I’ll finally be less tired and want to socialize again.
My loan deferment will be up next month so we’re going to need to factor that back into our monthly budget.
Will work expect me to step it up now that I’m not “sick”?
What if I have a recurrence?
Will work be as understanding and accommodating if I have to battle cancer again?
Will my family and friends be as supportive if I never return to “normal”?
How many years will it take for me to feel less anxious?
Oh I can finally get my port removed!
But that also means I’m going to have to request more time off of work…