I Wish Someone Told Me to Try to Go with the Flow

When I was diagnosed the first time around, back in 2017, I had a pretty idealistic view of how I would navigate chemotherapy. I was convinced I would successfully use the cold cap and keep all of my hair. I was confident that I would sail through the chemotherapy as I was so fit and strong, the naïveté actually left me ill-prepared for what was to come.

I began losing my hair in clumps and because I absolutely wouldn’t entertain that this could happen, I was unprepared. I had no wig or headwear, and it felt so much more shocking to me.

I didn’t prepare that my body might not cope well with the treatment, and it really didn’t. I had profuse sickness and was completely blindsided.

After my treatment had finished, I spent years trying to live my life to the fullest but also being extremely strict with my exercise and very committed to a healthy diet. I simply wouldn’t entertain that I might be unlucky and have it return.

Roll forward 7 years, and in September 2024, I was diagnosed with cancer a second time. This time I thought I would be much better prepared. I shaved my head, ordered my wig, and grieved the loss of my hair before treatment even began. I was certain nothing could be worse than the last treatments. Again, I was wrong. It went very badly, and I ended up in hospital for a week, and I am now back home recovering while we reassess and try to draw up a whole new treatment plan.

What I would now say with hindsight is that cancer treatment is very unpredictable, you can prepare as much as possible, but things will rarely go exactly the way you expect, and that is something that is important to prepare for, (if you can prepare in any way!). You have to try and roll with it all as hard as it is, and trust that to get out of this, you must go through this.

If there was a pamphlet for treatment, I would title it, “just go with it”. We often say as patients we feel so out of control, and sometimes the only way to get through this is to relinquish a certain amount of that control and take each minute, hour, day at a time. Don’t look too far forward but keep taking those small steps forward.