Breast Cancer

Words Matter

Words matter.

The problem is that most people don’t really know what to say.

When I got diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 35, I quickly learned that when people are at a loss for words, they revert to the old clichés.

Saying the Word Cancer for the First Time

I remember the first time I said the word “cancer” out loud, admitting to myself that I indeed had the diagnosis. Saying this type of word for the first time was much like saying a cuss word for the first time—a forbidden fruit of sorts and brace yourself for impact kind of moment. Once you form the words and the sound of the word echoes in your ear, the initial fear of the word slowly subsides and you begin to slowly process your diagnosis.

Words Have Power

Research shows that the statement “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is untrue. Words not only influence how we feel but how we experience the world around us—our reality. They can lift us up or bring us down and even cause harm (e.g. bullying).

Thus, they can be a source of great power, but also, of incredible disempowerment.

Just for Today

Can I tell myself just for today
that I love myself
That if ever I was to love myself
It would be today in this moment

Reality of Breast Cancer

Cancer comes with a mixed bag of emotions. I started out with denial, so part of that was the absence of language. I didn’t say that I had “breast cancer” and I barely reference it by name. I will say “my diagnosis” or “this situation” or “what I’m going through.” I don’t acknowledge its presence in my life because I don’t want it to define me or become too much a part of my life. Although it is. 

My AYA Experience

Time. The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future is regarded as a whole. The issue with time is that it never stops. It keeps going. On December 21, 2021, I received life-changing news. At 1:32 PM, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and time moved even faster. I was on the brink of being a certified teacher at 29, but instead, I had to fight for my life.

Pierced by the Light

As somewhat of a cancer pro, I feel like I should be able to articulate the loneliness and isolation of the cancer experience pretty easily. I mean, I’ve done this dance more than once, for Pete’s sake!

Silence

Cancer is full of silence, even before diagnosis. The healthy cells that should be loud and destroy cancer cells go silent, allowing cancer to slowly and quietly ravage the bodies. Silently becoming deadly.

Loneliness and Isolation

The worst part of the Cancer journey is not all the side effects of treatment and pain from procedures and surgeries, it’s the isolation that is sometimes necessary and the loneliness that comes from no one truly understanding how it feels.

What Happens After the Messy Middle?

The messy middle is what I’ve called the post diagnosis and active treatment era of living with cancer. But survivorship? Being a survivor? Wow, even writing that still seems like a foreign word to me.