Hodgkin’s lymphoma

Dear Cancer, I Knew That Something Was Lurking

Dear Cancer,

I’m not really sure how to address you. You’re kind of like that mean girl who bullies just because she can or the mysterious stranger in the corner of the room—the kind that people are interested in but don’t want anything to do with.

There is No End to the Guilt

The guilt eats away at you. I’m coming up on 10 years post-transplant. I ask less now, “Why am I alive?” but feel more the guilt of my life. The guilt of having a job and friendships and being able to live even a somewhat normal life. The weight of the guilt is crushing. 

I was at the Thanksgiving service where J shared the excitement that the cancer was in remission. She and her husband both kindly patted my shoulder on their way to speak at the front. But what was I to say? Congratulations?

Cancer Sucks

I was diagnosed with stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma two weeks before my 31st birthday, almost one year ago now. I had vaguely heard about this type of cancer before in media here and there but certainly never expected it to happen to me. I felt more disassociation than anything when I received my diagnosis. I couldn’t believe it.

The Weight of Surviving

I’m shaking. Scrunched in the middle seat of a plane. Somewhere over Canada, I think. Happily watching From Scratch as I drink my Iceland glacier water and eat my German hot dog pastry. I love these new Netflix shows. Women of color falling in love with European men. A dream of mine, really. And so cheerful to watch—till his knee hurts, and I’m wondering what surgery he will need.

You Will Have to Learn

After completing my treatment in April of 2021, I had a mixture of emotions. I was happy that the treatments were over, but I was terrified at the same time. You see, being a cancer patient, treatments and checkups became a security blanket. I knew that the treatment was keeping the cancer away and I knew the checkups would catch anything if it did happen to show its ugly face again.

Carcinoma

A cold
Weight loss I was happy about
Chest pain
Hard to breath
Doctor said bronchitis
Then pleurisy

Wait
What’s this weird bump
Doctor said swelling
Wait
It’s bigger now
Doctor said time for a CT scan
Wait

The First ‘A’: On Loneliness as a 16-Year-Old Survivor

It was 7:31 PM on a Wednesday and as I stared into the wall that night, the last thing I wanted to feel was sorry for myself. Against every word the doctor spoke to me that dripped with his implicit condolences, my mom crying on the window sill beside my bed. With a quick post to Instagram I was showered with attention, likes, and words of encouragement—everything I needed to get me through… or so I thought.

Not Like the Others

We have made this drive before. However, the rocking of the car as it hits various cracks and potholes now leaves us worried about tire alignment rather than whether my mouth is aligned with an emesis bag.

I can stave off the beasts of negativity that paw at the edges of my mind until we reach the Cancer Center.

Consent & Good Bones

what does consent mean
if you aren’t saying yes for yourself
if every incision, stitch, vile of blood
is done because i am too scared to say no

When No One’s Around

The COVID-19 pandemic took away a lot of things, but I never thought something else could take away so much more on top of it all. COVID-19 took away celebrating my “dirty 30” birthday with friends and family, and two years of Christmases and New Years. But being diagnosed with cancer DURING a pandemic took away so much more than that. My name is Leigh-Ann, and I am a 31-year-old girl who has a strong love for reading, horses, and hiking. I’m from Barrie, Ontario, Canada, and this is my story.