This Wasn’t On My “To-Do” List

Planners, agenda books, bullet journals-I loved those things since I was twelve. At first, just for the aesthetic, but later on, I found them useful. It kept me on track and on task. I was productive, accomplished things I wanted to do, and it gave me a sense of purpose. A plan for my professional and personal life. Ultimately, it helped me feel more in control of myself and the world around me. I had a plan, a “to-do” list for life. It made me feel accomplished; if I worked hard enough, did x, y, z, all things were possible. Or just do things that future me would thank me for when life was more chaotic or problematic. I liked being one step ahead, in control of my world. Things didn’t always go my way and weren’t perfect, but I chalked it up to a lesson learned, and all things happened for a reason.

That was until cancer entered the picture. Any sense of control I had felt in life was swept up from under me. This wasn’t on my “To-Do” List. It’s not something you expect to see in your agenda book at any age, but I think it definitely feels like a harder blow the younger you are. You think, what could I have controlled to prevent this from happening? Could I have controlled this? The answer is: if you go down that rabbit hole, you drive yourself crazy, compare yourself to others, and it doesn’t change the fact that yes, you have cancer, and now we need to deal with it. 

Unfortunately, it is something that isn’t in our control. Now naysayers can say, “Well, you could have done this or take that.”Still, ultimately, there is currently no medicinal pill, herb, or vitamin that will make cancer magically disappear overnight. Anyone trying to sell that probably never had cancer and just wants your money. Now back to reality.

When it comes to a cancer diagnosis, you feel as though you have lost complete control of your body and your emotions. Nothing matters anymore- not the trivial things you worried about before. It boils down to focusing on your health and taking care of your loved ones. Apart from my immediate family, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. 

One, for fear that I was going to get sick because of my weak immune system, and two, because I couldn’t control my emotions. One moment, I was “fine,” the next, talking about myself or what I was going through brought the waterworks. Also, I didn’t want to be in charge of consoling other people’s emotions by saying cliche phrases or downplaying what I was going through.

The truth of the matter is, cancer taught me that we don’t have complete control over our lives or other people. There is no roadmap. When everything felt out of my hands, I held on tightly to the things I could control. I kept up with my appointments, had my calendar with all my chemo sessions, and victoriously crossed them out as the months went by. On my good days, I tried making awesome memories with my kids, crafting, baking, and taking pictures. When I would lie on the couch in pain and feeling awful, I would visualize and make plans for a future without feeling sick and being cancer-free till I fell asleep. I would follow all the advice from my medical team and friends in the cancer community to help alleviate side effects and get through my chemo sessions as successfully as possible. These things gave me some sense of control.

Yet, that false sense of control never let me forget the obvious: I was scared, terrified, and I still am sometimes. Even when I finished chemo, and everyone wanted to celebrate, I was even more anxious waiting to see its effectiveness and what my oncology team would say next. Cancer has taught me that nothing in life is guaranteed. However, I can control my perspective and the actions I take to improve my physical, mental, and emotional health. So nowadays my “To-Do” List is a little different: Be present, enjoy the moment, and if it doesn’t serve you, let it go.