My New Found Identity

Cancer has taught me a great deal. Although the word itself taught me something I didn’t expect, at the young age of 39, I learned that I needed to find ME… cancer or not, my identity needed to be uncovered and shared instead of overshadowed by accomplishments and possessions that actually did nothing for my spirit and well-being. Before my diagnosis, I thought I had life figured out. I thought my well respected occupation was my identity and I worked very hard at elevating myself and my environment to continue that facade of success and happiness. When it takes most people much of their lifetime to realize what their true identity is, what they truly stand for and what they actually live for and appreciate, I found out at the age of 39 when I was told “it’s cancer, and it is metastatic.” The processes of diagnostics, testing, chemo, surgeries, chemo again and getting back to living my life after a year “on hold” taught me that we are all actually very simple creatures. We often allow our lives, mindsets and self-worth to become clouded by outside influences with mindless decisions that don’t truly serve us and our spirit. I was forced to put all of the details of my life into perspective, no matter how big or small. I am now able to prioritize my life with what serves me best, not by what is expected, not by what “looks” good and definitely not by what others think. I am a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend now that I have learned how to best represent me and what is important to me, all things that I may not have acknowledged at such a young age without bringing the words “cancer survivor” into my identity.

Although most people think the breaking point comes with ongoing treatments, failed treatments, surgeries etc… I had reached my breaking point at diagnosis. Upon diagnosis I already did not feel good. I wasn’t my best at work or at home and knew that I was struggling. When I heard the words “it’s cancer and it’s metastatic” I didn’t think I could do what would be required of me to support my body in fighting the cancer and all that it would entail while also keeping a household going as well as keeping my full time job. While I thought this was my breaking point, I had no idea that it would be just the drive I needed in my life right at that time to streamline my focus and energy on my health and on the people in my life that I love so much.

Cancer taught me a little something about control or our lack thereof. So the word control means “to regulate” and wow did cancer have a way of ensuring that very little of my day to day was ever again going to be “regulated” and that was actually ok. When I thought I needed control over every aspect of my day at that stage of life, I really actually needed a lesson in living in the moment and not trying to control every part of every day. This has carried over into motherhood and my job and has been so enlightening.

If I could share one thing that I have learned with someone newly diagnosed, it would be to look within. Upon the panic of the diagnosis, we have a tendency to reach out almost obsessively. However in that moment it is so important to sit with it, feel it all and dig deep within, listening to our body and our spirit by giving it exactly what it is asking for and what it needs. This is a time we need to nourish every part of ourselves. This will look very different for everyone and may sometimes go against everything we’ve ever been taught, but this part will be vital in getting through one of the most difficult things we will ever go through. The strength, faith, hope and love is going to come from within, it has to come within first.

An unexpected lesson that came from my cancer diagnosis is to simply show up. I learned that there is a difference between asking “do you need anything” and just showing up. I challenge myself now regularly when I hear of others going through something difficult to just show up. In the best way that I can think of for them at that moment, I show up. This could be bringing a meal, a blanket, a plant or merely sitting in silence. Just show up.