Multiple Myeloma; The Great Teacher

For many young adults, a sudden cancer diagnosis can be a complete and utter buzzkill. It can knock you on your butt and leave you breathless as you simply question; what the heck just happened? One moment you are happily going about your business, maybe you have an ache or pain of some type, a weird headache, a bloody nose that lasts for hours but you think nothing of it. Everyone starts getting random pain in their thirties… right?

Then one morning you wake up and everything you have grown comfortable with in your life changes. We aren’t talking the type of change from say, moving from one state to another. We are talking the type of change that has you fighting for one life while simultaneously grieving one that will proverbially lay beneath a headstone in the villa of our distant memories.

One might imagine that the “old” you rides off into the sunset, carried upon the back of a gilded white horse like in the old westerns your granddaddy used to love.

The truth is, while some may imagine that our lives become a prize-winning Hollywood depiction of cancer, it is much deeper to those who hear the words; “you have cancer”. The real truth of it is that for some, this diagnosis can become a teacher in aspects we probably wouldn’t have ever pursued prior to our diagnosis. You learn the difference between a tunneled line, an IV, and a port. You learn how to read bloodwork that may as well have been characters found in the ancient tombs of Egypt. How to properly shower while playing the game of keeping your line and dressing dry. What foods you can tolerate and which ones you absolutely must avoid.

You also learn of your inner strength and that it is okay to admit you aren’t one hundred percent anymore. It can teach you humility, strength, resilience, and determination. Though the one lesson it has taught me the most is to give myself grace.

Grace on the days when all you can do is move from your bed to a chair or couch. It teaches you to hold grace for how you speak to your body internally. Holding grace when you get utterly exhausted after doing what one might once have seen as simple tasks. Going to the supermarket, playing with your nieces and nephews, even something like watching the news these days. On these days we must learn one of the most loving aspects of all; loving ourselves where we are at and giving that grace, we would have given others if the tables were turned.

I have always been a bit stubborn. I come from a long line of stubborn women on both sides of my family, so I learned from the best of them. This unfortunately also instilled in me, a sense of nonstop drive to do more, be more, and endure more when it comes to working. I haven’t been the best about giving myself grace on days when my body probably would have benefited from having a sick day. This often came with high expectations from managers and employers and did absolutely nothing for my habit of people pleasing. It wasn’t that I was bad at my job; no, that was honestly not the factor. I was often asked to take on leadership roles in many positions held in my “boss babe” era. The issue was that I ignored that inner voice warning me that something was truly wrong internally. My attendance is what then became an issue of ill repute. This led to a mental lashing rather than that of giving oneself grace.

So, as you may see, this concept became one that I most certainly could use some lessons on. Not in a way of, “oh I am so glad that my body got this illness that munches away at my bone marrow, thus turning it into Swiss cheese” sense. But in the sense of truly learning to not only pause, breathe, and allow grace while checking in with my body, and giving it what it needs right now type of lesson. To be content and open to the success before me and around me rather than the definition of success projected by the world.

If this allows me any lessons that I might be able to share with others, it is this.

Yes, I have Multiple Myeloma. This is a chronic cancer, it is a companion, but it can also be a grand instructor in the art of allowing for a deeper love of self… even on the hardest days.