How Am I Supposed to Handle This

I guess you could say my journey starts like they all do going to the doctor for one thing and coming out with a diagnosis that changed my life. I went to my gynecologist to discuss having a hysterectomy because I was not going to have children and my periods were becoming tough to get through. She wanted to do a pap smear first and then we could go from there. Well it came back abnormal so she wanted more tests. An ultrasound and to clip a piece of my cervix. Now let me tell you that was one of the most painful things I had ever been through in my 42 years of life or so I thought. I also had a blood test called a CA125. Sitting around waiting for results was so nerve racking any time the phone rang it felt like my heart was gonna jump out of my body.Then I got THE CALL, she said we found a mass on your ovary and combined with your blood test i am going to refer you to an oncologist. I knew that wasn’t a good sign since just 2 years prior I was sitting in the UNM Cancer with my aunt while she received chemotherapy for breast cancer. My husband came home from work and I sat down with my family to explain what she had discussed with me. Everyone wants to remain so positive when they hear that a loved one might have cancer which is great but I was terrified on the inside and wanted someone to just say well that sucks, that way I could have my what the hell moment and not freak anyone out. My first appointment with the oncologist took FOREVER with all the questions and explaining and what next steps were so on and so forth. All the while in my head I was screaming why did this have to happen to me, I am gonna look ugly bald, I don’t think I can do this. I was scared of all the things that were gonna happen but most of all I was scared to let my family down,I was the strong one and I was afraid this was gonna knock me down and I wasn’t gonna be able to get back up. April 4th my entire life changed and not in a good way. That day was my surgery day and the plan was to go in and remove my lady bits completely along with my tumor and go home that night to recover. The total time was to be 2 hours long. Well let me tell you that is not what happened at all, my surgery took 7 hours. It seemed that my tumor had wrapped itself around my colon and other organs that it had to be removed in one whole piece. That meant that the doctors had to remove part of my colon(which resulted in a colostomy) , all of my lady parts and all the lymph nodes in the lower parts of my body. I woke up in the recovery room to the nurse telling me that I was going upstairs to the ICU but I was adamant that I was supposed to go home. She then informed me that was not the case that I was staying in the hospital but that my whole family was there and taking up the entire waiting room. I knew what ever had happened it had to be really bad and I was terrified. I heard my husband’s voice telling he was there and that I was ok but I knew I wasn’t OK and told him that if he needed to leave me I would understand because we weren’t prepared for whatever this was. His response was the best thing he could have ever said to me he said “Where would i go You are my whole life.” When I was finally able to be winged off the pain meds they explained everything to me. I was beyond devastated and all I could think about it was that now I was like Frankenstein’s monster disfigured and ugly. I was one that didn’t believe in depression and I never thought about not wanting to be on this planet but in that moment I wanted to die. I didn’t want to have this thing sticking out of my side. I didn’t want to have to clean up my poop that was now going to be coming out into a bag and most of all I didn’t want my husband to see my body because I looked disgusting. I felt so many emotions but the one that stood out the most was disappointment,I was disappointed that I let that thought of wishing to die even cross my mind, disappointed in myself for letting in that weakness in my mind, disappointed that I wasn’t more grateful that I was alive. I had never had that happen to me. I have always had the mind set that I would do whatever needs to be done to get through but in that moment I wanted to give up and that crushed me. Over my journey I had to learn to accept the fact that the one me was dead and gone and I needed to grieve for her and mourn for her, but I was here with a second chance. I cried when I needed to yell when I was overwhelmed with my feelings and laughed when nothing else helped. I learned that all the feelings I was having were ok to have and that I didn’t need to hide them or be ashamed I was having them. My husband has been my greatest champion and my greatest gift throughout my journey and beyond that this has even brought him more in touch with his feelings too. So I guess the point I would like to make is that it’s ok to not be ok all the time and that everything we will is valid and to own them because they will make us better in one way or another.