From Grief to Gratitude: The Unexpected Emotions of a Cancer Journey

Facing cancer at 27 is something I never thought I would have to do. I was super healthy, worked out almost every day, and took care of myself. I have DSRCT sarcoma which is super rare and aggressive. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of the scariest feelings, especially when you’re faced with a cancer like sarcoma. You instantly think your life is over and you go through so many emotions. When you get a cancer diagnosis you instantly feel sadness, anger, and confusion. I thought the days to feel happiness would be limited but I’ve had a lot of happy memories while fighting the hardest battle. 

Starting chemotherapy lessened the scary feelings and made me feel more comfortable in my situation. There’s a sense of comfort when you’re always getting checked on and cared for by doctors and nurses. Surgery was my next step, which made me feel scared and anxious. I was about to face the hardest surgery of my life and emotions were high. Now in recovery, I’m faced with even more challenges mentally and physically. I’ve seen many dark days, but I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Surprisingly, I have experienced grief and happiness at the same time while fighting cancer. As I am a woman who’s always wanted children, when I lost my ovaries and uterus to cancer it was hard to comprehend. I felt intense grief because I lost a part of my femininity but I also felt extreme happiness because I knew the cancer was taken out of me. I never thought I’d experience both of these emotions together while battling cancer. I still have an enormous amount of grief when I see someone who is pregnant or someone who has a baby because I realize that I will never have this experience. In time I know these wounds will heal and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. 

Losing my sense of self to cancer has been the most challenging thing to talk about. The grief that comes with mourning the old version of yourself is hard and not many people can relate. This is why self image has been the toughest part of my journey so far. Cancer tricks you into feeling like you shouldn’t experience happiness. It consumes your daily life and it’s honestly depressing. When you get to experience little moments of happiness during cancer it’s almost overwhelming. Hold onto them and look for small moments of joy in every day. Take time to tell people you love them, do the things you’ve always wanted to do, and live life to your fullest. Never give up on yourself and keep fighting as hard as you can.