Dear Cancer, You’re the Queen of Giving and Taking Away

Dear Cancer,

You’re the queen of giving and taking away. I look back now at how much I thought my life was ruined the day I opened a mychart notification with the word carcinoma in it. Turns out you had bigger plans to change my life by giving me mets in my lungs, brain, spine, and spinal cord. Each new scan with progression feels like I’m falling deeper into a pit of ruin. There seems to be very little you could continue to take away from me at this point, but I know you can take so much more. My freedom, my mobility, my taste, my hair, my skin, my body, my energy, my anything. Not much feels like it’s mine anymore, just a version of myself that’s been taken away by you. I used to have a fulfilling career and full life, now my calendar is filled with appointments, treatments, and lots of therapy. I miss the old me, the things I used to find stressful, and the worries I had that seem so small now.

While you’ve taken so many things away, I’ve realized that some of my old ways weren’t helping me anymore. Thank you for taking away the stress from little things and giving me perspective. I appreciate the way you’ve made me realize how important human connection is and how much we need each other. I was able to shift my energy to making meaningful memories with the ones I loved instead of crossing things off my to do list.

You also gave me permission to truly want things for myself for once in my life. I’ve prioritized being creative by working on quilting and taking art classes. I’ve spent time gardening and enjoyed being able to grow and create my own food. I’ve traveled to beautiful places with my loved ones and enjoyed making new memories at each new place I’ve been. You’ve allowed me to admit that I really enjoy sleeping in and quietly having my coffee in the morning while I sit with my dog. I’ll also admit that I love watching trashy tv with my girlfriends and texting about our favorite characters. Little things like this make me so happy, joy being hard to come by sometimes when cancer is constantly changing your life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have a life without cancer. I’m still mourning the future I thought I’d have with my husband, the family we’d raise together, the other dogs I’d get to love, and the wrinkles I’d gain as the years passed on. I’d give so much for a “normal” and “healthy” future, but that’s not how it works. I’m stuck with this life and the realization you are slowly taking a bit more from me each day.

I never understood how people could be thankful for cancer and the perspective it brought into their lives until I, myself, was diagnosed. I’m not going to go so far and say I’m thankful that I’m slowly dying of terminal cancer, but I am thankful for the woman that I’ve become along the way. I love myself now and I’m so happy with the ways I’m choosing to spend my finals days. Making everyone’s day a bit better and truly allowing myself to want what I want is so freeing. Thanks cancer for the freedom to be myself. You still suck though.