Cancer

My Existence

Let’s start at the beginning. From the moment you receive a cancer diagnosis, you tend to question your entire existence on this earth. Why did this happen to me of all people? What did I do that was so wrong in life? Why was I placed on this earth to suffer like this? So many unanswered questions. How do I even begin to understand let alone explain my heartache, sorrow, and pain over the years?

Listen to Your Body

For 34 years, I’ve choked down close to 50 pills a day, as part of a daily regimen to manage cystic fibrosis. But one bitter pill I wasn’t prepared to swallow was hearing the words, “You have Stage IV colon cancer.”

I think about the doctor’s words now as I grieve the life I almost got to have, one that seems like a distant dream. The nightmare call came less than two years after I started TriKafta, a life-changing drug that turned a death sentence into a chronic illness, managed with medications and treatments.

Amy’s Rays of Sunshine

Amy’s Rays of Sunshine is a nonprofit 501(c)3  organization founded by Amy Steeves to pay forward the love and support that she received from her amazing community during her own bone marrow transplant after a cancer relapse in 2019.

“Were You Late?”

I had been waiting in the white room for 45 minutes. I had left on time, gotten to the giant facility on time, and taken a full day off of work at a crucial time to make sure I was there. My oncologist is hard to get appointments with. That’s a huge understatement.

Cancer is a Lot of Things

Cancer is a lot of things. It can be a terrorist, ripping the visions of your future from your mind and replacing them with a plethora of fear. It can be a teacher of perspective, showing you gratitude for the simplicity and fragility of life, beckoning you to soak in the small moments with your loved ones because you’re never truly sure of how many you have left.

Today I’m Angry

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Cancer. Freaking cancer. Stage THREE CANCER.

Today I’m angry. Today I’m heartbroken. I’m mad at how my life has changed. How my body and mind are forever different and there are things I still can’t do. I’m mad that I have radiation tattoos that will never go away, a scar where my port was, and an abdominal scar that always looks back at me in the mirror.

Rise

Through tired eyes
Remains a flicker of life’s sparkle
Dimmed, but never to go out
A new perspective
Emboldened truths

Alive

The boundaries are blurred, so I wait
Observing from a distance,
I consider my fate

In time there’s some meaning
I establish my feelings
A calming naivety, au fait

Unintentionally Sharp

I hate that I loved it most
at its weakest
I did not eat dry toast
or monotonous meals
My secret was dying a little
while trying not to die a lot

My Days

Hospital visits Monday, Wednesday, Friday
Blood transfusions, Spinal Taps, Chemo,
Needles, Pills, Procedures,
Doctors, Nurses, Patients, Parents.