Breast Cancer

Reality of Breast Cancer

Cancer comes with a mixed bag of emotions. I started out with denial, so part of that was the absence of language. I didn’t say that I had “breast cancer” and I barely reference it by name. I will say “my diagnosis” or “this situation” or “what I’m going through.” I don’t acknowledge its presence in my life because I don’t want it to define me or become too much a part of my life. Although it is. 

My AYA Experience

Time. The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future is regarded as a whole. The issue with time is that it never stops. It keeps going. On December 21, 2021, I received life-changing news. At 1:32 PM, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and time moved even faster. I was on the brink of being a certified teacher at 29, but instead, I had to fight for my life.

Pierced by the Light

As somewhat of a cancer pro, I feel like I should be able to articulate the loneliness and isolation of the cancer experience pretty easily. I mean, I’ve done this dance more than once, for Pete’s sake!

Silence

Cancer is full of silence, even before diagnosis. The healthy cells that should be loud and destroy cancer cells go silent, allowing cancer to slowly and quietly ravage the bodies. Silently becoming deadly.

Loneliness and Isolation

The worst part of the Cancer journey is not all the side effects of treatment and pain from procedures and surgeries, it’s the isolation that is sometimes necessary and the loneliness that comes from no one truly understanding how it feels.

What Happens After the Messy Middle?

The messy middle is what I’ve called the post diagnosis and active treatment era of living with cancer. But survivorship? Being a survivor? Wow, even writing that still seems like a foreign word to me.

Isolated and Lonely, But Not Alone

Being the extroverted introvert that I am when I was diagnosed with cancer April 2021, I didn’t realize exactly how isolating being diagnosed during a Worldwide Pandemic would be.

Dear Cancer, What Do You Bring to the Table?

Dear Cancer,

What can I say that hasn’t already been said? You took my job, my house, my normal life, and now you take up space in my mind and body?

What do you bring to the table?

Pain and sadness. There are appointment times and pings throughout my back and shoulders as I stand in line, waiting to tell someone my name and DOB for the millionth time.

Dear Cancer, I Hear You

Dear Cancer,

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me of what matters in life. I used to wonder why you chose me; why at 33 years old you found me. Now, I get it.

2022 was the hardest year of my life. I was feeling burnt out at work and was dreaming about striking out on my own.

Dear Cancer, You Ruined So Much for Me

Dear Cancer,

I am so mad some days about why I don’t have an ordinary life. When I was diagnosed, I was only 33 and my babies were not even 9 months old.

You robbed me of so many fragile memories I have of my babies. You robbed me of their first birthday—I had to be at chemo instead of celebrating. Weekends in the hospital, months where I didn’t get to pick them up because of surgical restrictions.