Breast Cancer

Am I Surviving “Right”?

I thought I had never experienced survivor’s guilt. The idea of guilt over surviving didn’t fit with the way I understand my feelings about the trauma of cancer, which we know can have many layers for us young adults. In the losses I’ve experienced since becoming a part of this community, I have felt utter heartbreak, outrage at how unfair life can be, and despair over the realization that we are not in control. But not guilt over being alive. Or so I thought.

Rise

Through tired eyes
Remains a flicker of life’s sparkle
Dimmed, but never to go out
A new perspective
Emboldened truths

Unintentionally Sharp

I hate that I loved it most
at its weakest
I did not eat dry toast
or monotonous meals
My secret was dying a little
while trying not to die a lot

Forty Thousand Feet

forty thousand feet.
a terrifying height.
at least it was,
it used to be.
every bump,
every shake would send me
over the edge.

Dear Cancer, Thank You for Helping Me Find Myself

Dear Breast Cancer,

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me find myself.
Thank you for releasing toxicity in my life.
Thank you for restoring my smile.
Thank you for forcing me to set boundaries.

Dear Cancer, I Never Expected You

Dear Cancer,

Before meeting you, I was so distracted. I lived such an unintentional life, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn’t know how to forgive. I was consumed with bitterness and annoyance at everything in me and around me.

The Only Way out is Through

I was 20 years old and in college when the terrorist attacks of 9/11 took place. I remember watching an interview in the months following in which a survivor from one of the twin towers talked openly about how guilty she felt for surviving. And I didn’t understand.

Conservation of Matter

Oh to have a body
Messy, beautiful
Fluid and dust and stars sewn up
In the breakable harmony of our organisms

Things I’d Want You to Know

Dear Younger Self,

Things I’d want to know: you will have a son then a daughter. Both will have your luscious, loose brown curls and wide eyes wrapped in blankets of long, black lashes. Sometimes you will look at them and think “I would, literally, withstand anything for you.” And you will.

Love and a Higher Power

Content/Trigger Warning: Sexual Harassment. Does a higher power exist? I believe so and always have. Although, throughout my life, I have had a hard time connecting with it.