AYA Cancer

Cancer is a Lot of Things

Cancer is a lot of things. It can be a terrorist, ripping the visions of your future from your mind and replacing them with a plethora of fear. It can be a teacher of perspective, showing you gratitude for the simplicity and fragility of life, beckoning you to soak in the small moments with your loved ones because you’re never truly sure of how many you have left.

Today I’m Angry

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Cancer. Freaking cancer. Stage THREE CANCER.

Today I’m angry. Today I’m heartbroken. I’m mad at how my life has changed. How my body and mind are forever different and there are things I still can’t do. I’m mad that I have radiation tattoos that will never go away, a scar where my port was, and an abdominal scar that always looks back at me in the mirror.

Rise

Through tired eyes
Remains a flicker of life’s sparkle
Dimmed, but never to go out
A new perspective
Emboldened truths

Alive

The boundaries are blurred, so I wait
Observing from a distance,
I consider my fate

In time there’s some meaning
I establish my feelings
A calming naivety, au fait

Unintentionally Sharp

I hate that I loved it most
at its weakest
I did not eat dry toast
or monotonous meals
My secret was dying a little
while trying not to die a lot

My Days

Hospital visits Monday, Wednesday, Friday
Blood transfusions, Spinal Taps, Chemo,
Needles, Pills, Procedures,
Doctors, Nurses, Patients, Parents.

Forty Thousand Feet

forty thousand feet.
a terrifying height.
at least it was,
it used to be.
every bump,
every shake would send me
over the edge.

Dear Cancer, Thank You for Teaching Me Patience

Dear Cancer,

I would often think of you before I knew you. When I was a child, I would think to myself, “I was one of six children. What are the odds that none of us got cancer?” As I got into my teenage years, the question then became “Which one of us?”

Dear Cancer, You Try to Take Away

Dear Cancer,

I have honestly feared you for as long as I can remember. A feeling of you meeting me along the way was consistently looming over me. So much so, that I can recall telling friends and family that I felt you would come for me, and I wondered if you already had.

Dear Cancer, You Took the Best Parts of Me

Cancer,

I cannot even begin to describe the absolute void that lives within me because of you. I have been physically rid of you for almost six years now, and yet somehow you still manage to wreak havoc on my soul.