Words Leave Scars

Some people view visible scars as a reminder of what they went through. Depending on the person this could be a positive or a negative. One person may view it as a reminder of their strength, while another views it as a reminder of their struggle. There’s undoubtedly some that see it both ways.

My cancer scars remain well hidden under my new fake breasts (that people think I should be so excited about), so I want to talk to you about invisible scars.

Cancer left me with emotional and psychological scars, without any care instructions. How rude.

During active treatment I was unprepared for the words that would scar me.

After active treatment I was unprepared for the scars I’d give myself with my own words.

We live in a society that rewards hustle, strength, beauty, wealth and health. We live in a society that does not handle difficult topics well.

We live in a society that doesn’t make it easy to be vulnerable, or to ask for help.

We live in a society that no longer trusts. We live in a society that expects so much.

We live in a society full of impossible standards.

It’s a fine line between too much and not enough in so many areas of our lives.

This is really bad news for all of us. This is especially bad news for cancer patients.

While I was going through chemotherapy and sent into menopause at 33 I didn’t fit in.

I was the youngest person in the infusion room. I was “too young” for cancer. I was “too young” for menopause. Nobody took me seriously.

I was lost, and I have the emotional scars to prove it. You, of course, won’t see those.

During chemo I was told:

“You don’t look sick”

“You’re so healthy!”

“I thought people with cancer lost weight.”

“You don’t need chemo. You just need your daily devotions.”

“You have the good cancer.”

“You get a free boob job.”

“It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”

“Bald is beautiful.”

These words have left me with emotional and psychological scars.

These words have left me with anger, frustration, and the desire to create change.

The thing about things that can get under your skin is that they can also teach you something about yourself. They can show you your values. When something pisses you off, that’s highlighting a value that is being stomped on.

For me, those values include empathy, compassion, understanding, curiosity, honesty, personal growth and making a difference.

In Jamie Kern Lima’s book Worthy she suggests asking, “Do you need to talk and connect, or are you just hoping to vent?” as well as, “Do you need me to just listen, or would you like me to offer possible solutions?”

These questions would be life changing for cancer patients! We get so much unhelpful advice from well meaning people when we have cancer. We see that you’re just trying to help, but you’re actually making it worse.

If we could just ask someone what they need from us we would all create positive change.

Let us work through our emotions. Let us be upset. It’s okay not to be okay. What you resist persists. The only way out is through. We have to feel our feelings to move through them.

Cancer sucks, and there’s no getting around that. We don’t need your toxic positivity.

On the other hand, I also didn’t need my own negative thoughts. I wasn’t prepared for life after active treatment. I didn’t expect that I wouldn’t bounce back quickly. Eventually, I had to stop making excuses for myself and take my struggles into my own hands.

Words matter. The way we speak to ourselves, and the way we let others speak to us impacts us. Curiosity and compassion are essential during this difficult time. If we can teach ourselves and others to be both curious and compassionate, we all win.

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