The Give and Take of Cancer

People often ask, “are you okay now?” But how should I really answer that question? I am so scared all the time, I can’t even think straight. I wish life was simple but it’s not. It’s complicated, hard, and crazy at times but I try to make the most out of it. If people asked, what have I gained from Cancer, the truth would be inner strength. Being nervous and having anxiety is not easy. I try really hard to remain positive all the time, but it is mentally draining.

My expected strengths derive from people. I couldn’t believe the amount of support that I got when I started to tell my story. I love all my supporters so much. It’s amazing to see how close family members and friends react as opposed to strangers. Sometimes I wish that this cancer ordeal was just a bad dream but it never is. I cried and I prayed for any assistance. I hated the days that I had to take chemo. I felt like the whole world just closed in on me. I even stopped my chemo for a few weeks. But I eventually started back, the horror.

After discovering my cancer, I lost a lot of people in my life. I chose to be by myself. I was scared and caught up with my own emotions that unfortunately I cut a lot of people off in my life. Looking back at it now, it may not have been the best decision. I honestly thought that I was going to die. After a few years of surviving, I was ashamed to talk back to the people I once stayed away from. I just didn’t know how to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships.

During the surgery phase, I lost part of my right breast, but I didn’t mind. I should have removed both of my breasts, but I was not thinking clearly. I miss my boobs, especially when I get comments like, “look she has nothing” but do boobs really make a woman? I thought it was her brains or personality, I guess I was wrong, lol. I would reclaim nothing because whilst cancer took everything from me, I regained my confidence. I now feel more comfortable to speak and to write about it. I am forever grateful to Elephants and Tea for giving me a voice when I had none.

The gains from cancer far outweigh the losses. Whilst I lost material and physical assets, I gained personal traits. I can’t put a price on those things. I gained inner strength and peace whilst losing finances, friends and family. I can finally go to bed with a peace of mind, to which I am happy. I can now write and speak about things in a much lighter manner. I was always embarrassed about my body, shape and size.

Always being laughed at for being short or too fat. I always had to try extra hard to get attention, but I realized that it was not worth it. The guys only wanted one thing and the girls, omg. Life as I know it became very lonely. I was scared to associate with people as I was always laughed upon, but I grew accustomed to it. I decided to channel my time, energy and resources to charity work. You can’t go wrong on that path. I loved every minute of it. I loved the excitement of doing good, adding value to someone else’s life, I guess I felt important for a change. Feeling loved, valued and appreciated is truly something amazing to experience.

My most valuable lesson that I have learned from my cancer diagnosis, is that people will change on you in a heartbeat. I have learned not to depend on people, I switched my focus to writing in an attempt to enlighten people. I tried to push words of encouragement and hope out there. Through my writing, I am able to reach a wider audience. I feel much more relieved that I can help people now. I really feel as though I am making a difference now. It is my hope that if I am to depart this world now, may my positive vibes and energy reach a lot of people.

About the world, I have learned that people do empathize with you and your emotions. The world may be a big place but there is still good out there. I started to look at positive websites to get motivation to move forward. It’s amazing how people put their trust on the internet and social media. Whilst social media has its pros and cons, there are still words of encouragement out there. I try to be positive, but life is so tough at times. I pray for strength, but it is a struggle most of the time.

Whilst Cancer did take away everything from me, I wouldn’t ask back for anything in this world. It taught me to be bold and brave. Some qualities I didn’t have before. I lacked the confidence to move forward. Whilst I was laughed at and cursed upon, believe it or not, I maintained my strength. I won’t change that for anything. A small-town girl who grew up in a quiet neighborhood, now writing articles, wow. I am so happy and proud, it actually turned out for the best. So many nights I cried by myself, it’s not funny. I don’t miss my old life. I now have a new beginning, a chance to make things right.

I pray for a lovely life moving forward. People still look at me with shock and disbelief, but I am who I am. I keep on going and you all should too. The road is long and never ending but there is light at the end of the tunnel. We all need to believe that. Go bold or go home, those should be our watchwords from now on. Wishing you all the best moving forward, always!