Small Wins Add Up

I honestly didn’t know how to approach this at first. I didn’t want to sound 100% “doomy,” but at first, that is exactly what I felt cancer taught me: a complete lack of control. In my case, I lacked total or near-total control for a year. No talking, no unassisted movement, no drinking or eating. For months, it was just spoonfuls of water, eventually moving to thicker consistencies, but it was almost a year before I ate from something other than a stomach tube. I’d tell myself, “But hey, at least no chemo, right?” It was pure sarcasm, the only way to handle the absurdity of the situation.

If cancer has taught me one positive thing, it’s that we have to take control when we can. It’s a different process for everyone. Over time, I’ve learned that even when we feel at a total loss, we can create minor pockets of control. Even things as small as consciously controlling my breath can realign me and stop me from falling into a spiral where I’m at the mercy of my environment. It’s taken me years of making these small decisions every day to really feel like I’m in the driver’s seat again.

Just today, it was -2 outside. I know I love the outdoors, so I decided to sit on the porch anyway. That’s where my inspiration came from. I sat in the freezing cold, my fingers went numb, my nose was frozen, and not even my coffee stayed hot. But I was able to control the small things that kept me where I wanted to be. I found peace in looking at the snow and wonderment in following the deer tracks as they wound through the yard.

I found curiosity in listening to the different noises and bird calls. My payoff was witnessing a majestic red-tailed hawk flying in a clearing right under the sun, screeching in an ear-piercing tone. Watching it soar, I realized that all of these things were choices I had to make. My body definitely wanted me to quit and stop ignoring its calls for warmth, but my mind was dead set on cultivating what I wanted, no matter how minor or trivial it seems. I realized that the cold didn’t have to dictate my morning if I didn’t want it to. I was making a claim on my own time and my own surroundings, something that was impossible for me for such a long time.

As young adults with cancer, there is a long path ahead. No matter what, there will be times when the big choices are taken out of our hands. We are often forced into schedules, treatments, and physical limitations we never asked for. We spend so much time being told where to be and what to do by people in white coats. But small moments like these—knowing we can find happiness and fulfillment from ourselves—can give us the confidence to keep trudging on that path.

It will undoubtedly be scary and feel impassable at times. There are days when the snow is too deep and the air is too thin. But coming home to the small decisions we can make and remaining upright can build our confidence to push through the cold and seek out the sun. We learn that while we can’t control the weather or the diagnosis, we can control where we point our attention and how we choose to spend our quietest moments. Those small victories are what eventually lead us back to ourselves and help us reclaim a life that felt like it was no longer ours.