No Guarantee of the Future

Cancer means fighting for your life with no guarantee of the future

Fostering means loving the children in your care with no guarantee of the future.

My shortest placement was less than 24 hrs. My longest was two sets of nine months with ongoing “Mom” status now. I gave any child who entered my home a warm bed, food, and the love and support they needed for as long as I was able to provide them with a safe place to live. In total, I’ve welcomed 10 youth into my home aged 10-20 and am honored to consider two of them my own now. No formal paperwork states this, but in when you’re 18-21 in extended foster care you get to pick your own support system. They chose me and I chose them.

While my house closed in October 2023 just months before my cancer diagnosis so I could focus on my relationship with my young adult foster child and my boyfriend, the passion for teens who are hurting remained. The boyfriend was let go in February 2024, one month into my health struggles and just after my formal diagnosis of colon cancer. I fully intended to and still do plan to reopen my license once I’m married, whenever that will be. Until then I will help impact the vulnerable children in my neighborhood in different ways.

I am honored to own a four bedroom, 1,400 sq ft house where I can welcome youth to live with me for however long it was needed. But after I closed it to official foster care, the cancer diagnosis required my home shift to help me heal. My mom took over a bedroom while helping me after surgery and occupied it for six days almost every two weeks around chemo. My dad took a few shifts and set up his virtual office in the attic. All the supplies I had collected to assist with foster care and welcoming a new teen into the home got moved around to make space for mental and physical health objects. The stockpile of food including comfort items got passed on to my kid or to the other young adult I met through her who chose to become my child as well. They shopped the house, just as I had done at my parents, helping me clear out my stockpile to make space for the new items. I had to change my volunteering in the foster care realm, unable to lead a support group in person or help deliver items to keep families together, but at times more available to help at the local foster closet and able to help with grant writing when my chemo brain functioned.

Here are some of my lessons and comparisons.

Foster care teaches you to build a village. One you can share respite with, receive meals from when placements enter or leave your house, and others who will love your children. My village stepped up during my treatment. The respite provider cleaned the rat cages while she worked locally before I switched to one of my previous kid’s friends. Meals were dropped off and others interacted with my mom when I was asleep and unable to be good company.

Both foster care and cancer are full of grief. It shows up when you’re reminded of the goal of families that is broken when you’re caring for another parents’ child. The abuse you hear about from the teens reminds you of the harsh treatment you’re putting your own body through. The emotions surface then are pushed down as you handle the realities of the current situation. A situation filled with countless new providers, doctors, case workers, and paperwork. Both require good time management and a supportive group of those who “get it.” Just as cancer muggles can’t understand what it feels like to watch your body go through so many changes, those outside foster care struggle to understand how you can love someone so deeply and still let them go. Or in some case you decide to adopt, with all of the trauma, flaws, and behaviors present.

Court dates act like CT scans, providing check ins on the status of the case. Doctors and case workers keep similar hours and check in once a month with how things are going. You’re responsible for the day to day living with on call access to emergency support if needed. Counseling is very helpful to process the extreme emotions and changes. These check-ins aren’t always easy and include lots of paperwork, but are helpful assess where you are now.

Every journey is different. Even with the same stage and type of cancer, each body responds differently to the treatment. I’ll often talk to people who are considering foster care about things to consider before making the leap. Having a financial buffer, flexibility in working conditions, and a living space suited for the specific needs is important for both. Each is also a stressor on relationships, able to bring loved ones together or tear them apart. And no two foster kids and families are the same, just like no two cancers are the same, even if the demographic information is similar.

Both cancer and fostering are a long process with many complex emotions. While it may take a while to be diagnosed or get a child in your home, it could also be a quick whirlwind of phone calls and next steps. You never know when the journey will end or the next step starts. Cancer may be surgery, chemo, hospice, radiation or survivorship next while reunification, moving to relatives, changing homes, bumping up to a residential placement, or adoption may be the next options in foster care. Often more than one plan is running at the same time and the emotions extend past the official deadline.

While I wouldn’t choose cancer like I chose to foster as a single woman in my late 20’s, I look forward to healing enough physically to welcome more foster children into my home. From the simple joys of being called mom or having the teen finally move their toothbrush to the bathroom when they realized they were staying, to the anguish of sitting in the ER when you weren’t able to keep your child safe from their thoughts, there are children out there who need parents who will love them for who they are. While I hope to reopen with a husband by my side, my desire to parent and the reality of the children who need more safe loving people to care about them won’t wait forever. Once my body recovers from surgery and I settle into this new survivorship time, I’ll reopen my home. I know that even though I won’t pass my DNA on, and I likely won’t get more who look like me, my legacy isn’t based on genetics. It’s based on the feelings they have and the exposure to an emotionally regulated home and people (and a God) who care about them.

Neither cancer nor foster parenting are easy, but the skills and network developed in one make the other one more tolerable. Both change you and your perspective on the world around you, including the privileges and struggles in your own life. I have no guarantee of the future for myself or the children whose pictures hang on my wall, but I’ll have to trust God with my own plan just like I learned to trust Him with theirs.

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If you’re interested in learning about fostering, please reach out to your local county for more information as the need is really prevalent. Know you want to adopt? Check out adoptuskids.org to find out about kids who are legally freed for adoption and need permanent homes. If you can’t commit to welcoming them into your home long term, consider respite for short term, becoming a licensed baby sitter, or coming along side a foster family as a Court Appointed Special Advocate or just to be part of the village. Foster Closets also need donations and volunteers to provide needed supplies to families while older youth need someone who loves them and provides guidance as they break out on their own.