Life or Something Like It

Navigating my adult life, I did everything right. I went to school for a long time. I got a doctorate, bought a house on my own, had a thriving professional career, a relationship, friends, and thoroughly enjoyed life. I was a planner, had my future mapped out, and always kept in the back of my mind the idea that I had so much time to complete the things I wanted to do. When symptoms started appearing out of nowhere and I began fighting with multiple specialists that there was something wrong, I never expected the answer I eventually got. I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and leukemia which felt like being crashed into by a bunch of waves and eventually thrown under the current. I at least thought treatment would be smooth and I would put this situation behind me. 

In the months that followed, I was hospitalized for sepsis and came near death more than once. I was in the hospital for months. The plan I had for my life and future changed overnight. I used to dream about growing older and all the adventures I would take with my partner; now my dreams are waking up the next day, surviving the next month, making it to the next line of treatment, and hoping I live long enough to do a few more things. I never used to worry about death because I assumed I would have plenty of time, but now it’s all I think about—how I’m going to leave this world not finishing all the things I want to do. Cancer has changed my perspective on everything in my life and I only wish for more time.