I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew how scared other people would be, as if they could catch death just by being near me.

I wish I knew how many people would slowly fade away from me.

I wish I knew how incredibly hard it is to tell people how scared you are.

I wish I knew that every road led forward; there was no “getting back” to anything.

I wish I knew that it was ok to be terrified; it doesn’t mean you’re not strong.

I wish I knew that despite everything, I would be unbelievably proud of myself.

I wish I knew that the doctors could make lots of mistakes and they would not apologize.

I wish I knew that sometimes you have to say no; I deserve better care than this.

I wish I knew how guilty I’d feel when other cancer patients died.

I wish I knew that after the smoke cleared I would still feel adrift.

I wish I knew that just because treatment was over, my body didn’t know we were safe.

I wish I knew that every card sent in the mail would feel like the most precious gift.

I wish I knew that I would find support in the most unexpected places.

I wish I knew that there were so many people I’d never meet who would pray for me every night.

I wish I knew that eventually food would be delicious again.

I wish I knew that other people looked at me as a source of strength on their hard days.

I wish I knew that my gratitude would continue to grow exponentially.

I wish I knew that safety is never a permanent thing; it is ok to search for it.

I wish I knew how much I’d be able to comfort others by sharing my stories.

I wish I knew that every sunset would feel like the very first one.