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Does Cancer Ever Really Go Away?

by David LozanoSurvivor, Testicular CancerFebruary 5, 2025View more posts from David Lozano

Does cancer ever go away?

That’s a great question.

The day I was told “this looks like a malignancy” is far more memorable than the day I was told “your scans and labs are clean, and we shouldn’t need to continue treatment.”

During my first visit back to the cancer center for a follow up, I was given the familiar wrist band that all patients receive. Because of its placement, it touched the back of my hand when I bent my wrist – creating a visceral flashback to when the chemo made that exact motion excruciatingly painful as it had worn down my skin.

The irony is palpable – I was never on top of my health before cancer. In fact, the only reason I got myself checked out was as a result of an unrelated injury. I hurt my back during patient care, which I thought was a “wake up call:” as a 26-year-old, I needed to get into shape and take care of any nagging health issues so that I could live the best life possible.

One of those health issues was a swollen, painless testicle that I was sure was nothing.

Of course, it was not “nothing.”

During the course of my chemotherapy treatment, I developed numerous complications, including a DVT in my internal jugular. The pain it caused could best be described as a “crick in my neck” – something so common that I was hesitant to get it checked out. Of course, it turned out to be a life-threatening blood clot instead. So now, whenever I sleep on the couch and wake up with a muscle ache, my thought immediately goes to “it’s back.” Every headache, every pain, every instance of shortness of breath – it’s a sign that the cancer is back.

I told my oncologist that I felt like a hypochondriac – he said that’s not the case, but rather, I am “hyper-aware.”

It wasn’t really reassuring.

The psychological effects of cancer never go away.

I am constantly on edge, constantly worried – something that has caused me to lash out at loved ones and friends, which has ultimately caused me to push them away.

This is compounded by the lingering physical reminders.

For at least 2 years post chemo, I was plagued with fatigue. I gained at least 40 pounds and slept nearly 16 hours a day. When my testosterone was finally evaluated, it was 79 – nearly nonexistent. The treatment has been life changing; I have my energy, my drive, my body back.

Unfortunately, it’s also come at a cost – the hormone makes my already fragile mental state break frequently. I explode with rage and hurt those I care about for things that are out of their control. I cry, I wallow, I scream – all of my normal emotions are ramped up to 11. Therapy helps, as do psych medications, but the mental injury is still there. And I fear it always will be.

There are times the pain feels like more than I can bear. And I have to keep pushing on – for what, exactly? I turned 30 this year. But it seems like cancer took everything I was looking forward to away from me. My sense of self. My security in my body.

I don’t feel like it’s discussed much outside of AYA circles – but cancer is literally your body trying to kill you. It’s analogous to the worst allergic reaction possible. The loss of sense of self is enormous. The physical reminders – the weekly injections, the scars, the prosthetics – they all trigger horrid memories and feelings.

This is compounded by survivor’s guilt. Survivor’s guilt is awful. I had it “easy” compared to many. My treatment course was only about 5 months. Many had to undergo so much worse. But comparison is the thief of joy and no one’s journey is the same. Or so I have to remind myself.

As I write this, I am dreading an appointment in a few weeks. I’ve developed a new symptom that may be a completely unrelated cancer. It feels like I can never catch a break.

So, will it haunt me for the rest of my life?

I think so.

Cancer never really goes away.

But I’m reminded of many quotes about perseverance. I have 2 tattooed on my skin as a direct result of cancer: “Keep Moving Forward,” a quote from my favorite Disney movie, and “Just keep your head above,” a quote from my favorite song, “Swim,” by Jack’s Mannequin – the lead singer of which is an AYA survivor as well.

While these words are permanent reminders of cancer that are inked into my skin, they do give me hope. Maybe cancer doesn’t go away, but we have to keep swimming, keep moving forward, and try to live our best.

The final quote I’m reminded of is from an unlikely source – the 2005 superhero movie “Batman Begins.”

“Why do we fall…? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

Cancer may never go away, but the lessons it teaches us about ourselves don’t either. Picking ourselves up, moving forward, swimming through the darkness – they all may seem impossible, but we have no other choice.

I hope that other young adults struggling with survivorship know they’re not alone. The permanent physical and psychological effects of cancer are real – it does not go away. But there are so many resources out there any so many reasons to keep pushing through.

Survivorship is hard. It’s difficult. It’s tough. But so are we. We’ve been through hell – we can keep moving forward.

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