Cancer Sucks

You know what sucks?

Dying alone.

You know what sucks more?

Cancer.

You know what sucks even more?

Dealing with it when you’re 17, and supposed to be getting your life started. It’s hard. People say things that hurt and you drop them because they just don’t get what you’re going through and no matter how many times to explain it, they don’t understand. They don’t WANT to understand.

Friends, ones that are supposed to be forever. Friends that have been around since middle school, going into high school suddenly dropping you because you told them that you only have so long and they lose all hope. So instead of staying with you they all leave. They leave you with no support. The only “support” you get is from people you don’t even know and all feel like pity. Pity that you don’t even want because it’s from strangers. Strangers that don’t know anything about you. Sure, some may know what you’re going through, genuinely support you, and that feels great.

But still.. those who know you? They left you. They left you behind because you were going to die, and that’s not Ohana.

Everyone throws the Bible at you and tells you to pray, that God would fix it, but isn’t it him that gave it to me in the first place? What had I done to piss him off so much that he threatened to take my life? Was it when I was 7 and wrapped a towel around my neck and pulled until my vision started to leave? Was it when I was 11, not understanding that boys would be boys and making period comments that I got embarrassed and hit them in the head or arm, yelling for them to shut up because it was that time of the month?

Was it because I was in 6th grade and had to cheat on math tests just to get by because my teacher didn’t care unless I played sports? Was it because I didn’t realize I scared the boys and made them think I would hit them every time I raised my hand in high school? Was I really that bad of a kid? Was it because I had to cheat again in math just to get by and the teachers didn’t understand that I didn’t know what to do because back in 6th grade they didn’t teach me what to do?

Was it because I was young and stupid and cheated on a partner in 8th grade because I didn’t understand that I could just talk to them and see if poly was a thing? Was it because I stopped going to church? I never understood why they all left, my friends, I mean. They stopped reaching out, and after a while, I did too…

Now all I have is friends on a small computer that live so far away, and yet we talk everyday? I have a man that is doing the best he can, and a sister that gets me up at 9 every day.

I’m 21 now, no job, not going to college and rotting in bed everyday because no one was in my corner to stay. I have all these friends but the only thing in common that we have is we woke up with cancer one day. And I get asked why I stay in my room all the time and no one asks me if I’m really fine, they just ask me if I’m ok.

Ok. That’s a funny little word… no, I’m not ok. I just say I am because no one truly understands what that word means. It’s just a word we use when we really aren’t sure what mask to use that day. All that I have to make it ‘ok’ is this phone in my hand, talking to all seven of my friends but only one truly understands what it’s like when God goes through with his ‘plan’.

You’d expect a happy ending by now. No.. that’s not in MY plan. I don’t know what my plan is any more. So I’ll sit here, phone in hand, talking to a man that is doing the best he can, talking to all seven of my friends who don’t really understand what it’s like in my head. I hate to say that I am the only one who understands what it’s like to be in God’s plan where it just all goes down the drain…it makes me want to shake my brain. Shake it so much that I have to strain so hard to even crack a smile or make a stupid joke just so everyone stops shoving the Bible down my throat.