Cancer and Domestic Abuse: My Story

Content Warning: Domestic violence and substance use

I thought I knew who I was, what my purpose was, what love was, and what trust was. Turns out, sadly, I had no idea all along.

At 37, I slowly and all at once found out that I had cancer and a toxic relationship with my spouse. It is actually still mind blowing that I was so naive to it for as long as I was. I wanted so badly to believe the person I shared children with and a life with for so many years was a good man. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I had a very lengthy and brutal chemo routine. The drugs were strong and aggressive lasting 10 hours a day for 3 days in a row every 3-4 weeks. I had extreme pain, fatigue, stomach issues, anxiety, and migraines just to name some of my aftereffects. I needed help and understanding more than ever.

My spouse, however, gave me the exact opposite. I was useless, I should be doing more, I was a bad mother for not being able to do the things I once was, I was a burden, and when and if I got better he was leaving. I was put down daily, yelled at, accused of cheating, accused of abusing medications, and of being ungrateful.

My children, as if seeing me sick wasn’t enough, witnessed all of this. They were scared, anxious, constantly questioning if their father was leaving or going to try to take them away, and if I was going to die. It was nothing short of a waking nightmare for us all.

I cried every single night for 4 years. I apologized for things I shouldn’t have, like getting sick in the first place, at nauseam. I explained myself when there shouldn’t have been any explanation necessary. I lived in constant fear until it finally ended.

It took longer than it should have. My kids and I endured much more than we should have, including him nearly overdosing in the kitchen as he developed a drinking problem, and cameras watching us in the house.

This is a topic that I believe happens much more than any of us believes and isn’t talked about nearly enough. To those dealing with anything like this, please know, your illness is NOT a reason for maltreatment. YOU are not a burden for being sick. YOU do not deserve the abuse, and you are not alone. I only wish I realized all of that sooner.

I am now happily divorced and with my children who can now be themselves in their own home without walking on eggshells. No more worries about getting the silent treatment or getting screamed at when dad gets home from work. I am 7 years cancer free and doing my best to make sure we live a better life. It is possible and we are worth it.