Still Here (A Letter to Cancer)

Dear cancer,

Your name and “dear” don’t belong together,
I’m just being polite.
You however, skipped the niceties altogether
When you crept into my life,

Snarling and smelling of fear.

“I’m confident I got it all,”
He said through the phone –
But I knew what was next.
I whispered along as he said,

“You will need chemo.”

Fear spread like a grin
You wore to every appointment.
I carried it with me.
Every moment you would sing to me,

“I may still be here.“

There were months of tears
I had decision fatigue.
I swear, people poked me
Until I could no longer bleed.

Like my three generations before me.

The strength of those women
Finally came through.
My mother, and hers, and hers-
I knew what they would do.

They would climb away from the fear.

You tried to hang on
And to remind me I’m scared.
You brought me to weakness,
But my faith met me there.

I knew I wasn’t alone.

Love walked me through.
Friends were right there-
Family held me tight,
And God was everywhere.

So many things to be learned.

So I guess I can thank you, cancer,
Because I love deeper.
I feel more,
I trust more.

It’s not what you came to do.

But you taught me.
To watch clouds move.
To look into the face of fear.
To drift with the waves.

Until I can stand.

And you changed me.
I’m stronger.
I’m more aware.
I’m thankful.

And I’m still here.