When Cancer Conjured the Ghosts and Revived New Spirits

Even before I was diagnosed with cancer, my still-young body was already plagued by exhaustion, and I was slowed down in my drive and rhythm. It seems as if my life was pointing a finger at me and saying, “Watch out, it can’t go on like this!” I heeded the warning and planned more time for myself and started to calm down with mindfulness exercises. However, that calm was interrupted when a doctor told me, “It’s breast cancer.” I shook my head inwardly. My gaze fell on my feet, which promised me support and stability. I asked myself desperately, “What does this mean? I followed your appeal and am no longer trying to reconcile everything. Why cancer now?” The question gets stuck in a vacuum, in this state of shock in which I find myself, and it remains unanswered. Just one week later, after the first cycle of chemotherapy, the treatment drains me of my remaining energy. The heaviness pushes me to the ground and I can’t get up for hours. I need rest, only rest! I cover my ears so that no more noise disturbs my silence. For the first time in my 42 years, I consciously focus my attention on myself. Suddenly, an insight comes to me.

Life offers me an opportunity.

Now I have the choice of accepting it and growing with it or holding onto the old with all my might. I make the deal and decide to take the opportunity to confront my weak side. It takes courage to be prepared to unlock the firmly closed doors to old pain and to penetrate the dark, cold corners of my soul. Trembling, I tread step by step into emerging fears and terrifying anger in search of my unshed tears. They lie deeply hidden, still unattainably far away. Instead, old beliefs are detaching themselves from the structure of my identity like ghosts, flitting through my mind as dark shadows and fighting for their existence, roaring loudly and wildly. They almost extinguished my light. I face them and look into their cold eyes. They are frightening and yet I am less afraid of them than of the emptiness that could arise when they are driven away. What do I want now? Do I continue to nourish old familiar things that are not good for me and are tugging at me? Or do I venture into the uncertainty of what else life will bring me? I’ve already gone too far to give up now and go back. Back to the life that invited cancer. No! I venture into the unknown and want to find out who I really am. In the months of treatment, I realize how I have taken on responsibilities in my family so that everyone is well. I let go of this task and let my loved ones step into their own duty and this relaxes me immensely. On my treatment path, I also discover how heavy the world is on my back that I have tried to carry in order to prevent a little injustice and pain. My sense of obligation and excessive concern for others can be released. These persistent ghosts gradually transform into self-care and mindfulness. 

Today I have recovered, but the journey of exploration is not over yet. My old self lies somewhere in the distance as a memory and with it my former strength and light-heartedness. My spirits are awakened, hovering, and they want to be seen and understood so that they can finally be unleashed and freely transformed. Transforming into new vitality.