The Show Must Go On & other poems

The Show Must Go On

it’s easier to be written out of the storyline

that’s why my character always dies

and if they survive, it always comes back

again and again until the sickness wins

because healing is messy, hard, and

never a straight line

i would be the rising action, the climax,

the push needed to keep the story moving,

to tug at the audience’s heartstrings

the movies would show the girl

being sick and sobbing on the cracked tile floor

wanting to give up, but still picking herself up

then leaving to have lunch with her friends

cut to the scene in the hospital bed

with chapped lips that split with every word

and her family surrounding her, saying

it’s okay to let go

how neat of an ending

with none of the grief

that is tied together with surviving

the anger, the guilt, the uncertainty

no one speaks about how the after

is often harder than the battle itself

still sobbing on the cracked tile floor

wanting to give up, so close to giving up

but still picking herself up

then leaving to have lunch with her friends

 

– the show must go on

* * *

Tango

where does your trauma stand

when you are in an empty room

mine seems to follow me everywhere i go

peter’s shadow, tied to my feet

she stands right in front of me

i can feel her breath

ghost my lips, we are so close

i scream

help

fire

but she swallows my words

and the neighbors don’t hear a thing

i cry

but she licks away my tears

and the neighbors don’t see a thing

i don’t know how long we stand

in that empty room

i’ve lost track of the time

but one day i notice

the absence of her breath on my mouth

and find we are farther apart

she’s still there, still takes up space

still swallows my screams

but i find

the farther away she stands

the less i need to scream

the farther away she stands

the less i need to cry

some days we stand still

some days i take a step back

or she takes a step forward

an unpredictable dance

that has no lead, no end

it cycles and backtracks and spins

and still, the neighbors never know

 

– tango

* * *

The On Again, Off Again Relationship

there are moments of my day

i forget

or maybe, i

accept

this sickness for what it is

maybe it’s indifference

or contentment

when i’m not lost

in the maze of my mind

sometimes happiness visits

and we sit for a garden party

i think

Yes

i can do this

then i turn my back

only for a second

and happiness leaves

without saying goodbye

when i hear pounding at the door

i rush to answer

she’s back i think

but instead

i am greeted by grief

like an ex-lover

the kind you never really get over

together, we crawl back into bed

this is the last time

i tell myself

tomorrow will be better

 

– the on again, off again relationship

These poems were featured in the March 2023 Unseen Challenges of Survivorship issue of Elephants and Tea Magazine! Click here to read our magazine issues.