The Adulting You Can’t See

There always seems to be a buzzword for a time period in one’s life that sticks. The current word is “adulting”. It’s the word that doesn’t need explaining and represents more than the word itself. I usually don’t have any type of feeling about a word or a phrase however, I’ve been finding myself getting sad when I hear people say the word “adulting” when describing life because it feels like to them only certain accomplishments or goals people have for themselves can be put in that box of “adulting”. The word adulting feels like it is only for those who are moving forward in life and not for those who feel stuck. I am trying to change that narrative for myself. Cancer might have stolen my past life, but this- right now is my new life, and I’m just trying to figure it out.

Sometimes it feels like if you aren’t “growing up” or changing, you aren’t “adulting,” but for those who are strapped to a chemo chair and have their life put on pause or altered, does that mean they aren’t or can’t be “adulting”? One could argue that being diagnosed with cancer is adulting because you no longer are the same person before the words “you have cancer” are said to you. Even if you aren’t physically moving forward in life, you are literally changing on the inside. The way you look at life changes; the way you value time, money, health, and relationships changes. The stark reality that we aren’t guaranteed life is thrown in cancer patients’ faces, and we are made aware that we need to make the most of it. Everyone’s adulting or check box is different, and it’s a reminder that changing doesn’t have to be physical; it can be about the person you are on the inside.

Feeling stuck and not feeling like I’ve been adulting the last 2 years of my life has been a hard concept to understand. Adulting at 30 to me feels like I should be settled in my career, have some type of living situation that doesn’t involve your parents, have a potential partner, and be thinking about having kids, none of which has been my life the last 2 years. I have beaten myself up over a situation I didn’t create and been mad at myself because living in the past is just robbing myself of the future. It is not anyone’s fault for getting this nasty disease. I didn’t cause my cancer; I was just dealt a really crappy hand. I have been told many times throughout life that “comparison is the thief of joy,” (Theodore Roosevelt) and it truly is. My version of adulting may look different than the rest, but it doesn’t make it less than those who are in different stages or phases; it’s just different. This is my current situation, not my forever.

Am I mad that cancer turned me into a shell of a person? Yes, and am I allowed to feel that way? Heck yes, but I also know it’s important to not stay there. There are days that I don’t recognize myself in the photos before cancer, but I now have grace for the person I turned into during treatment and after. I would never be thankful for cancer because I firmly believe that things don’t happen for a reason; crap just happens. Life is not meant to be fair; it is meant to be lived. I can recognize in myself what others might not be able to see; I recognize for myself what adulting is. Finally, being able to drive by myself, managing my anxiety where I feel okay being left alone for long periods of time, traveling alone to new places, and starting a home business—all things that have allowed me to get a small part of me back again. My own adulting.

I remember the words Dr. Jody Carrington said multiple times during a conference I attended in Regina: “When you are acknowledged, you rise.” When people are acknowledged for who they are now and for their current situation, they feel like they matter, their diagnosis doesn’t have to define them as a whole, and they can still get back their own ways of adulting because “adulting” is so much more than the checklists that society has deemed as normal. It’s making the best of each moment, showing up for yourself and others, holding space for the person you are now and who you are trying to be, and reminding yourself to have grace. You might not feel like you’re adulting, but this is a reminder that you don’t have to see adulting to be “adulting”.