My Identity After Cancer

My mother is crying in the other room, and I don’t understand why, but I am already trembling. My heart beats faster and faster as the doctors and nurse’s shoes squeak across the hallway floor as they walk swiftly past my hospital room to see what the commotion is. I just knew deep inside that my life was going to be changed forever.

At first, I thought going to university and studying was the only important thing that I needed to worry about. I thought boys and heartbreak was another story I would just laugh at later in life. I thought supporting my friends and family was the most key thing in the world. Nothing would prepare me for this. How could this happen to me?

I remember when I could write with my dominant hand, I remember when I could speak freely, and people understood what I was saying the first time.

As I limp into the room full of young and lively people. Different races, shapes, and sizes playing and being free amongst each other. One day I would love to be able to run in a straight line again. This disease seems like it has taken so much from me. I go along with my day; I can see and feel the stares and confusion on individuals’ faces.

I am 23, but I get called “ma’am” on a daily basis. Traumatic experiences happen to young people to where we need assistive devices to help us throughout the day. I wish people could understand that…I don’t want to stop being me, however I want to be a typical young adult. I no longer want to walk with a rollator. I want to be able to walk for five minutes without being exhausted again. —How could this happen to me?

In the first half of 2019, I was a happy teen living a normal life. I went out with friends, socialized, and talked on the phone or a video call for hours at a time. The second half I was a cancer patient undergoing Chemotherapy and Radiation simultaneously. Come to think of it, I don’t know what it is like to be a normal adult. The first time I entered adulthood I was diagnosed with brain cancer a month before my 18th birthday. — How could this happen to me?

When you get a cancer diagnosis young. Special treatment is something that you endure. You get gifts, sympathy, and love from new places. It might be nice for the time being, but once the sickness wears off; I no longer felt important. I no longer felt like the friends I made along my journey wanted me around. —How could this happen to me?

To someone who has never had cancer, I would explain to them that my name is Nailah-Arie and I am not my disease or disability. I am a hardworking college student who has grown wiser from my intense experiences. Nobody else can tell me who I am, but me.