Finding Me Again

They said they found something in my mammogram
I said I know, it’s my first one, it’s just dense breasts
no, come back in right away for more tests

I did more tests
I did biopsies
but then the voicemail said
I’m sorry, you have cancer, we are referring you to an oncologist, I’m so sorry
I said no, I’m too young
Wake me from this please

They said I have cancer
And now I need more scans
They said I have cancer
And it’s forever, no cure
They said I have cancer
But we can treat it, we think
They said I have cancer
5 years maybe 10
They said I have cancer
I said no, I need more years I have little kids

chemo, radiation, side effects, ER visits, scans, scars, test, so so many pokes
The whole thing
Then side effects and
I’m losing me

The mirror doesn’t reflect the person I’ve always been
Where did she go?
They said I have cancer not total loss of self

They said I have cancer
And now it’s pretty stable
So go live life between treatments
You have a few months until we do this again
Go be you

But when they said I have cancer
Me ceased to be
Where did she go
How do I find her
Doctors don’t know

Time showed me her
She was always there
Waiting
For me to see her
For me to feel her
For me to BE her once again

I introduced myself to myself again
Like a new life force greets the sunrise
She said I missed us
Ya me too
She said we are strong
We are?
She said we are beautiful
I don’t feel it
She said we are wise
Maybe
She said we are resilient
Yes
She said we are fire
Hell yes
She said we are strong
Yes
She said we are beautiful
For sure
She said we are wise
Amen
She said we are resilient
You bet we are!!
She said we are back!!!
We are one!