Dear Body

Dear Body,

This topic is touchy for me as I never spoke about my body to anyone before. Growing up in a close-knit society where your neighbors will report any indecent behavior on your part, I was always afraid to expose my body anywhere. I believed that short clothing was bad for me and anyone else around me. I would even panic when I saw anyone watching me or my clothing. Boy was I a scaredy cat!

I took a chance once but that went horrible as I was with my mom at the time. I guess I can’t blame her. My mother ensured that I dressed properly. So even at 40 years old, I still don’t wear short clothes, is that weird?

Anyway, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had to expose my little boobs for the first time to a lot of strangers, mostly medical staff. I was totally ashamed and embarrassed, but I had to do it. I just wished all this would go away but it didn’t. I was alone and scared but I closed my eyes and hoped for the best. It wasn’t easy to be chest-less all the time, but I had to suck it up. Life throws situations at you but you can’t give up. You push forward, so I did just that. I kicked, I screamed and I got naked! Please don’t tell my mom. She unfortunately passed away but I wished she was here to help me. I must say that my dad really stepped in. I love him so much.

With that bit of history, I now reflect on what my body has endured. The physical pain of my little boobs being squeezed under the mammogram machine was immense. I wish I could have screamed out all the time, but I couldn’t. My hands being held across my body throughout numerous pet and body scans would cause pain for days. The countless sleepless nights not knowing if you would wake up the next morning was extreme.

My relationship with my body has definitely changed. I struggled to accept my scars. I hated how I looked. I hated the wigs and not having eyebrows. Who would love me now? As a woman, you always try to look good, but it was impossible at that time. I prayed for all of this to be over, still wishing that this ordeal was just a dream. I cried and cried but the heartache and pain never really went away.

Did I now have a love/hate relationship with my body? No, I just had to accept all my challenges and hoped for the best. After the surgery, as I laid in bed for months, I felt real sadness and bitterness. I felt as though this was the end for me. In fact, to my surprise, some of my neighbors even thought that I had passed away. This was because my diagnosis was around COVID time and no one was seeing me. So, after COVID when they saw me, it was like Halloween and seeing a ghost!

My experience has taught me and my body a few lessons. Lesson number one – If my body would speak to me, it would say to trust me. It would say to love me, just as I am and finally it would say to leave me the hell alone woman. Unfortunately, I put my body through a lot of stress after the chemotherapy and radiation. I decided to embark upon a new mission called IVF, in order to have a child. Boy was that a stressful mission!

Lesson number two – Do not put your body under unnecessary stress. It will fight back. For anyone who went through the IVF process, it is painstaking. From beginning to end, I had to endure blood tests, injections, scans and medications. For just a stressful process, I paid the ultimate price – failure. My body simply rejected all the new medications and injections. My body would have told me to flush all those fluids down the toilet because I am not accepting this today, lady!

Lesson number three – Please talk to your body. Growing up, I used to hear the saying, your body is a temple, but I never really understood it. I now understand at age 40, your body reacts to what you put into it – so keep it clean. I think that I pressured my body too much in the early stages of my life with alcohol and light smoking. Thankfully, I don’t do those things anymore.

I would like to talk about my scar now. It is indeed a long scar on my right breast. Every time I shower and look in the mirror, I see this long black scar. At the beginning, I just wanted it to go away but now I got accustomed to it. I actually don’t want to remove it. It serves as a reminder of all the pain and heartache that I have endured over the years. I still cry upon seeing it, but such is my life. I have bravely and boldly accepted it.

Crying over spilled milk is a thing of the past now. As a breast cancer survivor, you must now aim to improve and build back your life slowly. Now the recovery time may be long and hard, but it is worth it in the end. I have read articles of women embracing their body changes and I was just shocked as to their positivity. It gave me motivation to move forward, so thank you ladies!

My one scar caused me so many problems and mental blockages. Why oh why must women endure this type of pain? Both medical and in childbirth. Well, childbirth should be a whole other topic all by itself. I have not experienced it yet. I am hoping to soon, so ladies and gentlemen, please say a prayer for me, thanks. I would reach out to anyone hoping to have a child someday. I know the struggles are real.

I would like to touch on being a caretaker for my mom in her time of need. It was an absolute honor and privilege to serve my mom. I can’t thank her enough for bringing me into this world and for this I can never really repay her. But I made a great attempt to assist her when she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Whilst this was difficult to swallow, my dad tried his best to make us comfortable.

I also understand the struggles of a single parent, having to work plus raise two stubborn kids, according to my mom, plus deal with his own grief. My mom was his high school sweetheart. Boy was he heartbroken, but he made it in life. He never remarried which I totally understand, so my brother and I make his life as comfortable as possible. He now wishes to see about grandkids. Can I make this happen for him?

Please help me to tell the universe the cries of an old man. It’s quite unfortunate that my family had to endure all these tragedies, having my mom pass away when I had just turned 18 years. I couldn’t party or enjoy my adulthood, but I learned to be strong and resilient in this life. I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can only move forward. Time is so precious and valuable these days, don’t let other people waste your time. It is not worth it. Value yourself and your time. Well, that’s all for now, herd, until next time, you get it.