What’s the Reason?

People say all kinds of things when you get cancer.

“You’re a fighter, you’re gonna beat it!”

“You’re so strong!”

“You’re inspiring!”

“It’s all part of a plan.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Why do they say that, that everything happens for a reason? People fear cancer – that’s why they use euphemisms like “The Big C” or just say “cancer” instead of the specific type. I had one oncologist who had no bedside manner, but one good thing he said that sticks with me is, “Call it by its name. Use the full name, don’t let it get power over you.” That is an important thing for us to do – try to come up with ways to not have the fear take over (well, as much as we can avoid the fear and anxiety and rage and the slew of other emotions that arise with cancer).

People are scared of cancer, maybe that’s why people get ghosted by people we thought were once friends? People will ask us questions like, “Did you exercise before you got cancer?” “How much sugar did you eat?” “Have you tried drinking the juice of 15 lbs of carrots?” “Have you tried an alkaline diet to neutralize the pH level in your blood? My cousin’s sister’s mother’s son had his cancer cured by using an alkaline diet after his chemo!” Because, obviously, all of them have received their MDs from the WebMD School of Medicine or have received their advice from the totally legitimate and reliable Dr. YouTube, MD.

Ultimately, what they want is a reason for you to have gotten cancer. What misstep did you take to get cancer? What can they do to avoid getting it? There’s no reason for us to have gotten cancer; cancer can strike anyone regardless of circumstances. Do you have a pile of cash? You can get cancer! Do you have a pile of debt? You can get cancer! Are you one month old? You can get cancer! Are you 1200 months old (for those who didn’t just open google, that’s 100 years old)? You can get cancer! If we can get it without a reason, that means that they could get it at any time! Cancer can strike us whenever; all it means is that one of the trillions of cells in our body decided to throw a party that it forced us to attend. Or maybe it’s like the movie Gremlins and it ate after midnight?!

Humans crave explanations. “Why is the sky blue?” “What are those twinkling lights in the sky?” “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Wait, I know the answer to that last one: It wanted to get to the other side! The “everything happens for a reason”-er’s say it to make themselves feel better. It’s similar to when they say, “Call me if you need anything.” It’s a nice sentiment, but it makes us feel guilty to ask anything – you don’t know how much they are willing to do. Are they willing to drive us to an appointment, or did they just want to pick up some chicken soup for us? People don’t realize that we’re on a lifeboat in choppy waters and we are just going wherever the current is taking us. We want someone to grab our boat and help us. We want stability during treatment; we want things clearly defined so we don’t need to figure things out during the height of the chemo brain haze. Tell us what you are willing to do and do it.

Do the people who say and ask these things think we wanted to get cancer? We were in the prime of our lives – some of us were in college, some of us having families, some of us establishing our careers, any number of things or combination of things. None of us had a vision board on our wall with things like “GET CANCER SO I CAN GET BLOOD DRAWS EVERY MONTH AND DOCTORS AND NURSES TELL ME HOW INTERESTING I AM!!!” in the center underlined three times in the center to really try to manifest that cancer. We probably had things like “Pay off my student loan debt!” or “Get a high paying job!” or “Travel” – none of us expect cancer. We all want to live our lives to their fullest, not spend a bunch of time in doctors’ offices sitting on that loud crinkly exam room paper.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Sure, some things do happen for a reason; You took a shower? Now you’re wet. You watch a funny movie? Now you’re laughing (as long as they did their job right!). Medical issues aren’t like that. We didn’t turn a switch or press a button, we just woke up one day, saw a doctor, got some testing done, and were told a variation on those words that froze us in our tracks: “You have cancer.” The words that freeze the blood in our bodies and make us hear our heart beating in our ears. What kind of reason would there be for that to happen? Is it so we can inspire others with the worst moments of our lives? Or maybe we can make people feel good while their fling niceties our way? There’s truly no way for most people to understand what it is like unless they get cancer, and I hope that they never have the opportunity to see why everything doesn’t happen for a reason.

Now, if I could wave a wand and replace the phrase “Everything happens for a reason” with something else, there’s a few different phrases that could be used, depending on the person. One could be “I’m scared, and I don’t know how I can help.” and another could be “I want to say something, but I cannot think of anything, so I am saying this so I can tell people I talked to you.” There are many other things that could replace it, but the phrase is multifaceted. Everyone has their different approaches they want to take with someone they know having cancer and they can bundle it into five tidy words that don’t really help that they can drop off with their “I’m so sorry’s” and the “Just be positive’s” – “Everything happens for a reason.” Why not try something like, “Let’s figure out the way that I can help you the best. Do you want me to clean your house? Get you some groceries? How about I do your laundry?”?

Even though cancer sucks, the path it puts you on can lead you to some interesting places. You might find some new friends or hobbies on the long and winding road that cancer sets you on. You could pick back up some activities that you stopped doing years ago because you got too busy – what better time to pick something back up than when you are sitting around recovering from treatment or surgery? Cancer connects people in the strangest ways; it can bring you out of your shell through necessity. Everyone needs to talk about it sometime in whatever way is; journaling, drawing, joining a Zoom group, or talking to a therapist. You can meet some wonderful people on your journey and do some wonderful things if you open yourself up to it.

Things might not happen for a reason, but sometimes you get led to some great places.