War With Cancer

Brain cancer kills. It kills in just more than one way. It slowly started to kill me in 2019. It gave me a glimpse of Death, face to face with his beckoning eyes. He was elated that he could inscribe my name in his book of souls. This was the moment I knew my fate was inevitable, although I was told by doctors that death was a long way off. This turned out to be not true, as the cancer came back with such an aggression not even I could fathom.

My journey started in 2018 where I was experiencing what came to be known as partial seizures. I initially thought these to be anxiety attacks, as my dad had died from a blood cancer known as Myelodysplastic Syndrome a.k.a MDS. He passed away in April of 2017 just after his 70th birthday. It was reasonable for me to confuse these ‘events’, as I called them, for anxiety attacks.

I went to the ER after the partial seizures got more frequent and intense. I recall often, the attending ER Doctor came in the room and softly sat down in front of me with a somber but mostly stoic look on his face. He said to me softly, “So we reviewed the CT scan, and we found a brain tumor”. I sat silently and internally scared, and just said “Okay, thank you.” He then promptly left the room as he knew I would need to make some phone calls to my family. The flood of emotions was as intense as they ever have been in my life, especially since it was less than 2 years since my father died from cancer.

March 7th, 2019, was officially the beginning of my war with cancer. My first battle in the war was getting the tumor resected via an invasive surgery called a craniotomy. My first victory. I then met with Oncology and Radiation Oncology within a month of the surgery to go over pathology and outpatient treatment. It was decided the surgery went better than expected and no chemo and/or radiation was needed. At the time it was judged as another victory. With all the momentum I had in the war I had considered myself victorious.

I thought cancer was behind me, so I focused on rebuilding my life and doing the things needed to achieve my life goals. I cut out negative people in my life, got sober, got into the job field I wanted to be in as a career, and overhauled my priorities to ones that would give me a purpose. All of that helped me to become a full time Auto Technician and a self-made business owner as a mobile mechanic. I was on top of the world and things were looking so bright for me.

Then in December 2022, I noticed some numbness in my right arm as well as my right foot. At first these symptoms were quick and fleeting. On January 17th, four days before my birthday, I went into the ER as the symptoms lasted for thirty minutes. I had this gut-wrenching anxiety mixed with fear. In the ER it started with the general blood work and basic workup of identifying my symptoms. I was then sent to get a CT done. I thought this to just be precautionary given my history and these symptoms could be presented by something else. Still the same mix of emotions remained with me. The next step was an MRI, as that testing provides the best and most clear imaging to date. It was at that time I knew what was happening. The next time the doctor came into the room, visibly nervous, I asked her, “Is my cancer back?” and she responded with enormous sadness, “I hate giving this news but I’m afraid it is”. I laid there with my face in my palms not knowing what to feel, think, or do. My family and I reviewed the results a few days later. The results were horrifying.

The cancer that I thought I pushed back and defeated had bided its time. It lay dormant, slowly building up its forces to mount a counterattack. This attack proved fatal as the tumor grew over 2x as big and ‘without defined borders’ which outlawed surgery. It risked leaving me paralyzed. It mutated from grade 2 to grade 3, a tumor malignant in nature. It laughed at me for its victory. It haunts me by giving me seizures every day. I once again am staring at Death in the face. The difference is he was smiling; he had a ticking time clock anticipating my arrival.

I’ve self-reflected on my life searching for answers to the question, “What have I done for this to happen?”. I’ve given up searching for that answer. I wouldn’t be able to accept the answer no matter what it was. I am angry, sad, ashamed, grievous, strong willed, a fighter, and ultimately, I’m myself no matter what when the cancer tries to influence me to be anything else.

I’m bound for death, this I know. I’m bound for pain, this I know. I’m bound for relief, this I know. I’m bound for peace, this I know.

My father died knowing this one thing:
“In the end. The love you take. Is equal to the love you make.”

I am Alexander Nicklaus Galate. Nothing will take that from me.