Gambling with Words…

I remember a particular moment that occurred a couple of years ago. I was lying on the couch, tears streaming down my cheeks, with my cell phone resting on my stomach. My good friend was on speaker, and I had just shared some devastating news. Well, it was devastating for me. There was a long silence. After a few minutes, he finally broke it, saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” A wave of frustration and confusion washed over me, making it difficult to continue the conversation. I froze in grief, questioning myself and wondering if anyone could truly understand how I felt. I was so afraid of feeling rejected again that I stayed silent.

According to Dr. Google, “everything happens for a reason” is a phrase that can’t be traced back to a single source. However, it is linked to philosophical concepts and aligns with philosophers like Aristotle. The tricky part about philosophy is that it’s all up to interpretation. A person’s life experiences, beliefs, culture, and so much more are all factors that impact that interpretation. When you say this phrase to someone, you can’t predict what it means to them; you have no idea how they will interpret it. You are gambling with words that could cause harm, which I doubt is your intention.

My friend’s response, “Everything happens for a reason,” left me more frustrated than comforted. Having lived with chronic cancer for 15.5 years, I’ve encountered countless instances of nonsensical pain and mishaps. The phrase, well intended, only made me feel worse and silenced. Years later, I can reflect on this situation and see that maybe he didn’t know what to say. When this phrase is used in conversation, I try to offer the other person grace and the benefit of the doubt.

Another core issue with using this phrase is that it oversimplifies grief, loss, and hardship. The death of a loved one, a strained relationship, a setback, or a cancer diagnosis can cause feelings of grief and loss. A person’s reaction to these situations is authentic and valid. Telling them, “Everything happens for a reason,” may make them feel that their emotions are overreactions or that their pain and suffering are unjustified or invalid. For me, you might as well say, “Suck it, buttercup.” This quick response can diminish a person’s grief instead of acknowledging it and providing a safe space to mourn.

Regardless of the situation, cancer patients are often told to ‘Be positive!’ This type of response can be known as toxic positivity, a term used to describe the societal pressure to maintain a positive attitude at all times, even when it’s not authentic or healthy. The phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’ exemplifies this because it encourages people to search for silver linings or believe there is some good in every negative situation. This mindset can be damaging because it undermines authentic emotions and hinders honest emotional processing. We all need a safe space to process our sincere feelings!

The saying “everything happens for a reason” can give false hope. Some moments in life may never be fully explained or understood, no matter how much time passes. Specific experiences—such as trauma, injustice, or unexpected loss—often cannot be easily summed up with a clear explanation. The notion that “everything happens for a reason” can create a misleading sense of closure, suggesting that there is an answer that will ultimately make everything right. While the phrase aims to alleviate pain, it can cause even more. I believe it’s okay not to be okay.

Simple catchphrases, like the one we’re discussing, are short responses that bypass engaging with others and their feelings—a fast pass of sorts. The phrase wraps up a discussion swiftly and neatly instead of taking the time to sit with someone and their feelings. Genuine engagement, on the other hand, involves actively listening, empathizing, and responding thoughtfully. Sometimes, we conclude conversations quickly because we don’t know what to say. When I was younger, I was guilty of this. It’s also one of the many phrases I would say when I feel overwhelmed with my stuff. A fast pass was my only tool when I didn’t know how to set boundaries or what to say.

When you’re unsure of what to say, say that! For example, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” Validation and being present are the best responses to any situation. Yes, they can be messier and may take longer, but they promote deeper reflection and healing. To be part of someone’s healing and/or deeper reflection is a gift. It also leads to more intimate and deeper relationships.

Instead of saying, “Everything happens for a reason”—and we all know why that’s not helpful—consider offering these straightforward and empathetic responses:

• “I’m sorry you are going through this; I am here to listen.”
• “I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.”
• “I am here for you.”
• “No matter what happens, I am here for you.”

These responses validate the person’s experience and lay the foundation for honest, healing conversations. Being present is one of the most supportive things we can do, along with listening and sharing our pain with others without trying to explain it. Although it may feel uncomfortable initially, with practice, that bothersome phrase will not even be part of your vocabulary. If someone approaches you at an inconvenient time or you lack the energy to support them, you can say, “I can’t talk right now, but I want to be there for you, so I’ll call/see you back/later.” A simple action like this can allow you to be ready and present for the conversation, take care of yourself, and set healthy boundaries.

As someone living with cancer, I have developed my ability to engage in difficult conversations, listen to complex issues, and support others during tough times. I no longer feel stressed when someone approaches me with a problem or challenging news. Instead, I view these as moments and opportunities to strengthen relationships. Cancer has been a blessing in this respect because it has fostered wonderful, supportive connections at a much younger age. I didn’t have to wait for years of experience to teach me; I could rely on my journey to educate me.

In conclusion, Jimi Hendrix put it perfectly: “Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” When someone approaches you with something, I encourage you to prioritize listening over speaking. Think about being present rather than fixating on the ideal solution. It’s natural to want to fix things because we dislike seeing others in pain, but they will be all right. Remember that if a situation feels overwhelming, you can always suggest seeking professional help. You are not alone, either. Being a good listener doesn’t mean you have to become a therapist. Remember to always take care of yourself before others. Airlines have taught us to put our oxygen masks on first because if we aren’t doing well, we can’t help others.