Dear Younger Self

Younger Brooke,

Hi, love, it’s you… future you. I wanted you to know that on October 26th, 2024– you will get a phone call that wakes you up. There’s going to be a shaky voice telling you that you need to go to the hospital as soon as possible. Once you’re there, someone in a white coat will hover over you and say—you have acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

You have cancer.

I know you’re not expecting this kind of plot twist. Cancer was never something you ever imagined would happen to you. When it does, you’re 36 and by all other means, you’re healthy! You work out often, you don’t drink, you make every effort to avoid toxins—you even obsessively use that fancy water filter and those all-natural products. You were so focused on doing what you thought could avoid this.

Yet still, your DNA just decided to do something funky one day and multiply white blood cells like crazy. No, we don’t and can’t know why this happened. So, before you even go there (and I know your brain will)—please stop. Do not beat yourself up. Easier said than done, I get it… we’ve always tended to do that, haven’t we?

Below, I’m going to list out some advice to prepare and help guide you through this:

Feeling Everything x1000
I’m sure you’re panicking by now reading this. Pause, breathe, and notice… how do you feel in your body? As you go through this experience, you will feel everything as though it’s been amplified a thousand times. You will deeply feel the most paralyzing fear, but also the greatest sense of gratitude. Expect to see-saw through so many emotions by the hour, even the minute. Please allow yourself to feel it all, but do not let yourself linger too long in the low ones.

Being Resilient Is Exhausting
You’ve always been able to face challenging situations and come out with a heightened perspective. Strong. Resilient. These are always words that people use to describe you. You’ll be called “an inspiration” a lot during this cancer journey… which, while nice, can feel frustrating to hear sometimes. You will feel a strange sense of jealousy towards those who have managed to seemingly breeze through life without being blindsided by hardships, like the ones you’ve overcome. Resilience is exhausting. Others think your inspiring outlook comes naturally—but only we know that it is earned by facing darkness and pulling yourself out.

Craving Certainty
You always have craved a level of certainty in your life. I hate to tell you this– but you are going to need to quickly get comfortable with riding the leukemia rollercoaster and not always knowing what’s behind each turn. One day, your counts are up– the next, they’re down. You cannot be your perfectionist self now. You will need to take everything day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Balancing Autonomy & Support
There will be little you feel you have control over, so this will be a tough adjustment. You will find a middle ground of keeping some sense of autonomy, while still asking for help and accepting support from others. Seek out things, no matter how small, that help you feel the independence you always valued. This could be something like drying off the top of your legs after a shower, but letting your husband do the rest. Oh, I just dropped that info, didn’t I? Yes, you get married! You’ll actually celebrate your first anniversary together in the hospital, but it will be a sweet memory. He’s amazing and will be your rock throughout this– just wait and see.

Trusting Your Intuition, and Others
You’ve always been good at trusting your inner voice. You listened to your gut to get a few strange symptoms checked out, and that led you to get diagnosed so quickly. I’m really proud of you for that. Here’s the thing– you will need to balance this inner self-knowing with believing others. This doesn’t always come easy for you. Remind yourself often that the doctors and nurses are all here for you. Trust them, but do not hesitate to advocate for yourself and ask questions. You will need to play an active role in your own recovery.

Protect Your Energy
Many people will tell you, or show you through actions, how they expect you to cope. Assume positive intent from family and friends– this may be the first time they’ve ever known someone with cancer or who stayed in the hospital for this long. Remember they are likely projecting what they would like others to do for them in this scenario. You need to prioritize what works for you. Take time to answer texts, say no to video calls if they’re exhausting, don’t do all of the coloring books if you’re just not into it. You can decide where to apply your mental energy and how to protect your peace.

You’ll Still Be You
Good news– this won’t become your entire identity. You won’t lose yourself in this process. You’ll still have your oddball sense of humor– in between all of the chemo IVs, you’ll dance around in your room and crack jokes with the nurses. You won’t lose your spark, your unique Brooke-ness. You’ll tap back into your creative self, revisiting your love of writing. You’ll be energized with new ideas on how to have an even bigger impact in life. You’ll continue to be you– just an upleveled version.

We will get through this together.

Love you,
Future Brooke