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Dear Cancer, Remember Me?

by Beth ReedSurvivor, Stage 4 Hodgkin's LymphomaJuly 17, 2024View more posts from Beth Reed

Dear Cancer,

Wow, I can’t believe it has been 28 years since I met you. You stopped my life in my teenage tracks and at the same time gave me a perception of gratitude and life I never knew was possible. One day I was playing varsity field hockey and the next I was holed up on the Upper West Side getting chemo. How did you come to me so fast? How did we not know? Three long years of fighting and experimenting, I sent you on your way, yet your memory lingers and lasts.

My future changed forever. Things I never knew didn’t happen and other things I never expected did happen. There isn’t a day or minute I don’t think about you. Why was it me? Why do I still suffer from worry, panic, and anxiety? Why can’t my adult life be smoother and happier? Why is cancer still there, even when it isn’t? I doubt you will ever answer, but I still wonder. Long days and nights in the hospital, in isolation, made me question so much, yet no answers were given. People came and went, but I was still left there with my cancer and my thoughts.

Fast forward 25 years and some days I am OK, but most I am not. Luckily, I work hard, keep busy, and work to focus on the positive. Life is weird, but we have to work at it, be happy, and use our mental health tools. It is not easy, but life isn’t easy, cancer isn’t easy, and life after cancer isn’t easy. But what is easy? It’s all about work and effort. I am here to work on it.

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