Survivorship

I Hate Thursdays

I hate Thursdays. I can’t say there isn’t a day in the week where I’m not reminded about my experience, where I’m not facing the reality of everything I’ve been through, where a simple butterfly motif or a duck waddling past won’t bring tears to my eyes or where a small bruise won’t send me into a panic. But Thursdays, Thursdays are the worst.

Am I Still Loveable?

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, an undefinable situationship, a dating app phase, or you’re happily single, it’s extremely common to feel like cancer tarnished your dateability. Cancer comes into our lives like a tornado and rips down the homes we once called our bodies, leaving a pile of rubble in the aftermath. The emotional and physical baggage we are left with often feels like it’s made us undesirable.

CannaMoms Can

It is high time to abolish the stigma attached to cannabis-using parents. I am a proud bong-ripping, bowl-roasting, dry-vaping, joint-smoking mama that LOVES my kids to the ends of the universe. 

I am a CannaMom. 

Judgments, side-eyes, whispers, unsolicited advice…I face these criticisms far too often. Simply because I choose to be a CannaMom. 

Cancer and Creativity

Can pencils cure cancer? Of course not, but drawing with them helped me illustrate and express my cancer trauma. Their colors and potential were a powerful force. It wasn’t obvious at first. Yet the creativity of cartooning with pencils became an important part of my cancer odyssey.

Sleeping with My Caregiver

Naked and ashamed, I just want to hide. I want to be alone. I don’t want what he wants. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I lay there hoping this time will be different. This time, I will be more into him. Maybe it won’t hurt, or I won’t bleed. Maybe cancer won’t have the final say.

The Luckiest Girl Around

I’ve spent a lot of time in my adult life joking about being cursed. Let’s face it, based on my track record, it’s an applicable joke.

When I was diagnosed with my first cancer over a decade ago, I was so damn scared. God, how I begged the Universe. Please, please no. Not this. But of course, the Universe doesn’t work that way, and cancer it was.

My Hidden Secret

To those whom I have lost along the way, I honor you. Dwayne. Luca. Sam. Dieter. Isabella.

Anger. Pain. Resentment. Emotions of such high negative value, but the hidden side of being a Cancer Survivor.

What are the thoughts towards what it means to be a Survivor? While my story of Cancer began in February of 2020, with a radical orchiectomy (removal of testicle and surrounding tissue), I’ve known Cancer my entire life.

The Weight of Living

It was a beautiful sunny day when I found out she had passed.

I was just becoming accustomed to a new tradition—stopping for gas station hot chocolate. It was a ritual I had begun after starting physical therapy to regain use of my right arm after the three surgeries I had.

Three Fewer Friends

Oftentimes, people who have experienced cancer know that with a diagnosis comes feelings of major guilt. All types of guilt. The guilt of feeling like a burden on those surrounding you, not being able to work, not having energy to do what you used to be able to, and being physically and mentally unable to do anything other than stare at a television or the wall. For me, one of the worst types of guilt is survivor’s guilt.

Cancer Meets Console

In 2019, I picked up a Nintendo Switch as an early birthday present for myself. I got it in the summer, anticipating to mainly use it when a new Pokemon game comes out in the following Fall. I barely used it until December of that same year, when I actually got into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the first time, years after the game’s actual release.