Survivorship

The Ghost of Cancer Is Me

The ghost of cancer is me.

Or rather, the old me.

My Ghost Is My Shadow

Ghost.

Noun.

an apparition of a dead person which is believed to appear or become manifest to the living, typically as a nebulous image.

Two Cancers One Ball

On February 28th, 2022, after spending hours in a panic upon receiving some out-of-reference range tumor markers in MyChart, my urologist sat me down in his office, my dad sitting a few feet from us, and soberly confirmed that I did in fact have testicular cancer.

A Specter of Myself

I lost myself. I don’t recall a specific date or time nor a fleeting moment. It happened somewhere between the dozens of oncology appointments, $10,000 bags of poison, the 100,000 hairs I shed, and the 100 pounds of weight I gained.

a sacred place

my body does not feel like a temple.
the goddess it once served has retreated.

Fear

My body tenses with anxiety. A sharp pinch in my right breast sparks immediate panic. What is that? I wait, analyzing its intensity, and once the feeling subsides, I am left with an agonizing thought. What if my cancer has returned?

The Invisible Scars

Six months has passed since my cancer diagnosis, and life seems to be back to normal, without a trace of illness or tiredness. In fact, many of my colleagues never found out why I was on sick extended leave, nor would they ever imagine cancer as a possibility knowing how full of energy and liveliness I always am.

Stuck in the In-Between

I’ve always been fascinated by those stories of people going through “near death experiences,” like when someone gets struck by lightning or nearly steps out in front of a car. That may sound slightly morbid, but it’s more about the life changing catalyst that these events seem to bring about. The survivors appear to have a whole new vigor for existing. They feel more alive than ever… so why don’t I?

Genito-What? Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause Part I

Quick question for all my vulva and vagina-owning peeps out there: Has your cancer care team ever asked about bothersome genital symptoms like dryness, irritation, itching, or pain?

Even though genital symptoms like these can occur with several different cancer treatments and are common in AYAs, healthcare professionals don’t do a great job of regularly assessing vulvovaginal health at follow-up appointments (1). Lots of young survivors begin to develop these issues in survivorship without realizing that it could be a side effect of their treatments! The good news is that there are effective management options to help relieve symptoms and prevent them from worsening over time.

I’m Just Happy to Be Here

Two years after sitting in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism, three years removed from almost dying postpartum, my daughters had me tackled on the playground in a tickle fight and I looked to sky, laughing, just grateful to be alive in this moment.