Patients

What Do You Want to Do With This Time?

“You have to think about how you can make the best use of these next few months. Think of what your purpose will be.” My therapist said to me.

We were discussing positive ways I could refocus my energy and use this time. I was struggling with constantly looking back at the burning rubble of what used to be my life.

Stage IV: My MBC Journey

It had been a long day of work and coaching my cheer team when I finally got home. The day had been extremely draining and I was in a lot of pain. This pain had been a constant throbbing in my left shoulder, but this day was different because I could barely move my arm. I was truly concerned because this was something that I had never experienced before, especially for this long.

Finding Clarity in Mortality

Before this last week, I thought I knew exactly what I was going to be talking about when it comes to my life as a young woman with Metastatic Breast Cancer. I thought I would be keeping it super positive and speaking on the perspective changes I’ve been blessed with since October 2021, but I am exhausted.

Who He Was

There is a drawing of a small bird that is nestled in my dresser drawer amongst my most treasured memories. I take it out occasionally, sometimes on a particular date and sometimes when a memory whispers for my attention. I never know when the thoughts will come, and years ago, I thought they would eventually fade away; but survivor’s guilt doesn’t choose to be graceful and exit quietly to stage left.

Fight Stubborn with Stubborn

One day I’m a normal 22-year-old girl, living and working in a new city. You hear awful things, you see crazy storylines on TV and in the movies, and you never imagine these bad things could ever happen to you. As humans, we take our health for granted until you realize how valuable it really is. 

In March of 2021, I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, a rare form of blood cancer. Everything paused, everything was turned upside down, and everything was terrifying.

A Season of Healing

They said it would get harder as I go, and it’s getting harder.

The side effects from my sixth chemo treatment were the worst I’ve had so far. The fatigue over the weekend was intense and left me feeling too weak to move. Talking and breathing were a big effort.

Instead of going away and leaving me with some light nausea into the week, the fatigue lightened but hasn’t lifted. It’s really hard to effectively explain the feeling of being so weak.

This is My Journey So Far

It’s been a long past two and a half years for me. The pandemic hit me hard. I lost my grandfather and grandmother due to COVID, lost my job, and had two minor surgeries on my uterus for fibroids one year apart. Just when I thought it was about to be a good year in 2022, February 23, 2022 is when it all started.

Am I Surviving “Right”?

I thought I had never experienced survivor’s guilt. The idea of guilt over surviving didn’t fit with the way I understand my feelings about the trauma of cancer, which we know can have many layers for us young adults. In the losses I’ve experienced since becoming a part of this community, I have felt utter heartbreak, outrage at how unfair life can be, and despair over the realization that we are not in control. But not guilt over being alive. Or so I thought.

Listen to Your Body

For 34 years, I’ve choked down close to 50 pills a day, as part of a daily regimen to manage cystic fibrosis. But one bitter pill I wasn’t prepared to swallow was hearing the words, “You have Stage IV colon cancer.”

I think about the doctor’s words now as I grieve the life I almost got to have, one that seems like a distant dream. The nightmare call came less than two years after I started TriKafta, a life-changing drug that turned a death sentence into a chronic illness, managed with medications and treatments.

“Were You Late?”

I had been waiting in the white room for 45 minutes. I had left on time, gotten to the giant facility on time, and taken a full day off of work at a crucial time to make sure I was there. My oncologist is hard to get appointments with. That’s a huge understatement.