Patients

Storm of Words

Woody Guthrie cried out
into the rising dust,
singing,
“I’ve heard a storm
of words in me” ––
A storm of words…

Actions Are Greater Than Words

It warms my heart when I hear people call me “Brave” or “ Strong.” However, I don’t feel brave or strong…at all. I feel weak and broken. I feel like a rug was pulled from underneath me. I feel like a beginner magic act where the magician removes the tablecloth from under the dishes, and instead of standing up straight like it’s supposed to, they all fall down and break into pieces.

Dear Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patient

Dear Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patient,

First off, I am sorry you are here needing this, but I want you to know you are not alone, although it may feel that way. You probably think your life has stopped, but it’s just been rerouted. Life goes on for everyone else even if you feel yours isn’t.

The Myriad of Platitudes

I was watching TV when a commercial came on for one of those “Exposed to [THING]? Money has been set aside for victims of [whatever cancer]! CALL US TODAY!”—then the commercial proceeded to show images of gray-haired old men and just talked about how being exposed to whatever might cause cancer.

Is This Mic On? Testing…123…Testing…

What we say to each other matters. Most of us know that but often speak before thinking. I know I have and will; I am human and make mistakes. I try to ensure my language is helpful, supportive, and sassy. I have learned that disclosing your cancer diagnosis invites people to share unsolicited thoughts, cancer stories, medical advice, opinions on your lifestyle, and so much more.

Reality of Breast Cancer

Cancer comes with a mixed bag of emotions. I started out with denial, so part of that was the absence of language. I didn’t say that I had “breast cancer” and I barely reference it by name. I will say “my diagnosis” or “this situation” or “what I’m going through.” I don’t acknowledge its presence in my life because I don’t want it to define me or become too much a part of my life. Although it is. 

The Things You Said, the Things I Heard

The things you said versus what I heard… these are words that we hear and the way they warmed.

“I am happy to drive you”

Thank you for not only offering something specific but attaching emotion to this offer. Thank you for knowing that driving is not my favorite thing; my car is not reliable and driving can be exhausting.

I Captured the Flag, Now What?

I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I went from “cancer patient” to “cancer survivor.” It’d be nice to post an annual ribbon on Facebook with a triumphant, inspirational message. After all, survivors are done with all the yucky parts of cancer, right? Survivorship is the ultimate “good vibes only” party and I’d like to know when I was invited.

Loneliness and Isolation

The worst part of the Cancer journey is not all the side effects of treatment and pain from procedures and surgeries, it’s the isolation that is sometimes necessary and the loneliness that comes from no one truly understanding how it feels.

Infertility Chose Me

I didn’t choose not to have children; my body decided for me. My heart and brain were left out of the decision. More than a decade later, this is my first time writing about this. My heart still hurts, and tears roll down my cheeks as I type this.