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No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition (Or Pancreatic Cancer)

I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic adenocarcinoma—the muchdreaded, frequently lethal cancer of the pancreas—in early 2021. At the time, I had just turned 33 and was living in Durham, North Carolina, while the world grappled with the COVID-19 pandemic.

My Body is a Jerk

My body is a jerk. A common refrain of mine and an easy short-hand to answer why something happened. Why do you have to go to the bathroom so often, Dil? My body is a jerk. Why did your spine get compression fractures? Because my body is a jerk. Why are you still testing positive for COVID-19 six months after you got over it and have no symptoms? Because my body is a big, fat jerk.

The Impossibilities of Life in the Mind of Someone Healthy

Dear Cancer, 

What do I want to say to you at our ten year anniversary? Like many patients, I still remember when we were introduced in 2014 like I had selective hyperthymesia for that day. At the time I received brain tumor diagnoses of grades I, II, III, and IV, with no member of my medical team able or willing to tell me anything about my prognosis.

When Trauma Triggers…

As a sit here on a hot and humid day in New York City, literally today’s Wordle was “humid.” I see the air quality alert on my Alexa and weather app and am instantly taken back to when I was sick with Stage 4 Hodgkin’s disease in the summer of 1996 when I wasn’t allowed out of the house when there were such alerts.

Coping with Cancer and Isolation

Amidst the coloring books, fluffy blankets, and influx of letters that people provide to support you while facing cancer, it can still be incredibly isolating. While they’re incredibly kind and thoughtful, they do not possess the power to make you feel any less alone. You can be surrounded by a community of people who love and support you and still feel isolated.

Year Three: Mentally I’m… I Don’t Know

Who could ever forget 2020? Certainly not me. It will go down in history as a catastrophic year full of loss, grief, anguish, and unpredictability. If it wasn’t you yourself, you knew someone directly affected by the COVID-19 fallout: illness, job loss, struggling to stay afloat, etc. 2020 was an inescapable year. And I was no different…but for a different reason.

Three Fewer Friends

Oftentimes, people who have experienced cancer know that with a diagnosis comes feelings of major guilt. All types of guilt. The guilt of feeling like a burden on those surrounding you, not being able to work, not having energy to do what you used to be able to, and being physically and mentally unable to do anything other than stare at a television or the wall. For me, one of the worst types of guilt is survivor’s guilt.

Oh F***, You’re the One

In 2017, I was an undergraduate student at the University of California, Santa Cruz. One of my (many) jobs was in the IT Office on campus at the Helpdesk. This cute guy would walk up to my desk and chat with me, and I thought he was a graduate student until he asked if I was in a large lecture class. I was and so was he! We found out we were both majoring in Technology Information Management and began studying together.

Dear Cancer, You Tried to Take My Life Away Twice

Dear Cancer,

On Feb 26, 2023, you surprised me when I was referred to a blood specialist. My blood count showed I was anemic and the numbers got very high. My doctors could not figure out why I was anemic or why my abdominal area felt hard around my belly.

Dear Cancer, You Were So Far Off My Radar

Dear Cancer,

You were so far off my radar that when you showed up I dismissed you as commonplace things. I was young and the fittest I had been in a long time. You first arrived as bruises on my shins in November 2020. I was getting back into rock climbing and of course, I had bruises. Soon it became comical how bruised I was. I shared you with friends and family. Look at this, I am so clumsy.

“Maybe you’re low on iron. Eat a steak and some spinach.”