The Gift That Keeps On Giving

During treatment one of the “surprise” side effects was Clostridioides Difficile (C-Diff) which is pretty extreme diarrhoea, combined with feeling awful – sometimes hard to identify amongst the constant nausea from my weekly chemo. It was ever present through my 10 chemo treatments, and felt relentlessly difficult to manage. Myself and my daughter do actually often laugh about the day she had driven me home after yet another emergency room appointment and she was struggling to get the key in the front door. I was behind her feeling the inevitable coming, trying to hurry her up. The more I hurried her up, the less able she was to navigate the lock. Then it was too late, the metaphorical floodgates had opened right there in the street!

My hidden every day side effect is awful neuropathy in my feet. I’m an active person but this is a scary feeling with stairs! I feel like it has slowed me down after a few dramatic falls. I don’t feel like I am old and at 55 I don’t consider myself to be old, but my numb feet make me feel like I am. Yes I’m a survivor of two cancers now, but I feel like I am literally tip toeing through daily life, afraid to fall, afraid to push myself or feel too much in case it activates something inside and causes cancer number three.

I feel like survival comes with an unexpected pressure to make every day count now and find my true purpose. I feel like my days are very much numbered, I’m scared to waste the time I’ve somehow managed to win back.