Essence of a Man With Cancer

In memory of Alexander Galate.

What is the definition of Adulting? If you break out and dust off the ‘ol Merriam-Webster webster dictionary it would say, “To become an adult”. Pretty vague and straight forward, right? Nope! We all know it’s more overwhelmingly complex than that. For me the complexity of “Adulting” has been a difficult concept to navigate life. From all the basic necessities such as financial stability, maintaining discipline, and work ethic to the more difficult tasks of emotional regulation, critical thinking, navigating friendships, intimacy, and resolve to face any future adversities.

Now let’s take a look at the definition of cancer. Now, flip those old slightly frayed pages to the ‘C’ section and scan down the page to the word ‘cancer’. Oh man, these definitions are dark: “a malignant tumor of potentially unlimited growth that expands locally by invasion and systemically by metastasis” and “an abnormal bodily state marked by such tumors”. Didn’t know Dictionary definitions could be such a buzzkill! Similarly cancer is much more complex. Its unpredictability, diversity, and its impact on everyone who experiences it.

Mix these two words “Cancer” and “Adulting” and you create a dichotomy. For me Adulting is something that shows progression through life. Cancer is the symbol of life coming to a close. Yet both come with a certain amount of fear. This fear can be a severe hindrance or an almost limitless source for motivation.

Growing up I was taught how to be a man. The core principles I was taught are integrity, honesty, strength, stoicism, provider to name a few. These were incredibly difficult to learn. Getting through the difficulty of cementing these principles was a test of patience but when I finally learned these for myself it changed me and everything in my life.

The beginning of my “Adulting” started rather poorly. A famous quote based loosely off Mark Twain was told to me by my late father and it goes like this, “When I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb. After a while when I got to be 21, I was amazed to find out how much he’d learned in three years.” It was uncanny and in retrospect hilarious how accurate it was.

In my pre cancer “Adulting” I learned integrity helped me develop a sense of self worth. Honesty taught me to respect the truth of people and situations. For example, when I got pulled over for speeding I would try lying to the officer with the totally foolproof line “I swear the last sign said 45 not 35!”. Never worked out for me, surprising I know. Strength helped me have the courage to face adversity. It also helped me pump iron in the gym while blasting ‘Break Stuff’ by Limp Bizkit at a volume level so high I’m surprised I’m not on hearing aids. Stoicism allowed me to reign in my emotion so I didn’t project the negative one onto others around me. Fun fact it also helped me win a few nights of Texas Hold ‘Em with boys. Being a provider helped me understand self gratitude knowing I’m helping others. Now I know you’re thinking, “Alex, where’s the witty one liner after that one?” and my answer for you is after five minutes my brain decided not to cooperate to come up with one, sorry for the disappointment y’all.

Cancer came into my life March 7th, 2019. I had surgery to remove a brain tumor. A tumor called Astrocytoma. The incision was a half circle starting at the top of my left ear arching towards the back of my head. When I still had the staples in to close the incision I looked like a baseball. A joke that might’ve been poorly timed as nobody laughed due to the seriousness of what’s going on. Not all jokes stick but I still made someone laugh. That someone was myself of course. After I was released from the hospital seven days later I felt lost. Just as lost as I felt at 18.

In-between then and my terminal recurrence I did a lot of adulting. I mean A LOT of it. I used the tools I learned through my principles to lock in and build myself back up and create the future I want for myself. Also won a few more hands of poker off my “saturdays’ for the boys” poker nights. This recurrence was immensely difficult to deal with. I had to revise my life and come to terms with the one I dreamed of was going to forever remain just that, a dream.

Treatment was extremely destructive to my body and mental health. Radiation left me physically drained to the extent I was bed rested for 6 weeks, only getting up to eat food and do the three essential S’es of a man’s hygiene. Fellas you know what I’m talking about. Girls if you don’t know, ask your male friend or significant other. Chemo was a full calendar year of 5 days on 28 days off along with daily Corticosteroids that entire year. To put it bluntly, it was a 0/10 do not recommend of a time.

My integrity helped me stay true to myself. My honesty helped me face the truth of my life going forward. My ability to fight for my life through treatment was a testament of my strength. Stoicism allowed me to remain calm among the chaos of my life changing for the worse. Being a provider gave me friends and family willing to show me love and give back when I needed it most.

Adulting and cancer have been equally as challenging and scary in different ways. Yet for me they were able to be navigated through one constant thing. The principles that were taught to me from my late Dad, my Mom, and another father figure in my life, my Step Dad. I love all three of you.

Their love and these principles helped me understand the essence of a man with cancer.