AYA Cancer

Oh F***, You’re the One

In 2017, I was an undergraduate student at the University of California, Santa Cruz. One of my (many) jobs was in the IT Office on campus at the Helpdesk. This cute guy would walk up to my desk and chat with me, and I thought he was a graduate student until he asked if I was in a large lecture class. I was and so was he! We found out we were both majoring in Technology Information Management and began studying together.

The Things You Said, the Things I Heard

The things you said versus what I heard… these are words that we hear and the way they warmed.

“I am happy to drive you”

Thank you for not only offering something specific but attaching emotion to this offer. Thank you for knowing that driving is not my favorite thing; my car is not reliable and driving can be exhausting.

What Happens To Me Affects Who I Become

The mainstream rhetoric for a reality lived with cancer is filled with battle imagery and military terms. As if cancer and the human being diagnosed with it are opposing forces destined to have met on a battlefield set in array for the epic fray of good (the human) versus evil (the cancer).

PTSD: The Missed Diagnosis

When the word PTSD comes to mind, for some reason, I think about soldiers who have fought in the army or someone who had rough traumas. Maybe the soldier is my first thought because my husband is an Army veteran who served in the Iraqi war just after September 11. PTSD is something that he has dealt with since returning to civilian life.

I Captured the Flag, Now What?

I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I went from “cancer patient” to “cancer survivor.” It’d be nice to post an annual ribbon on Facebook with a triumphant, inspirational message. After all, survivors are done with all the yucky parts of cancer, right? Survivorship is the ultimate “good vibes only” party and I’d like to know when I was invited.

Loneliness and Isolation: We Are Not Alone

In 2021 life was good. My kids were in school full-time and I was offered a job at the gym that I loved so dearly. I was already spending an hour a day every day there anyway so it was awesome when they made me an offer. That was November. Little did I know that within two months my life would be suddenly and drastically put on hold. In January 2022 I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.

The Loneliness of Caregiving

On the day before my partner Dil was diagnosed, we went water tubing. The day off was a stolen pleasure on a beautiful Monday morning in June and we had been together for about two and a half years. About midway through our float, I capsized, fell into the river, my bathing suit top fell off, and my knees were scraped against the bottom of the river.

My AYA Experience

Time. The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future is regarded as a whole. The issue with time is that it never stops. It keeps going. On December 21, 2021, I received life-changing news. At 1:32 PM, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and time moved even faster. I was on the brink of being a certified teacher at 29, but instead, I had to fight for my life.

The Ancient Paths

I received my diagnosis – salivary gland cancer, a type so rare that it doesn’t have a real name – just two weeks after I moved across the country to start a full-time graduate program. In movies or shows, when someone receives a cancer diagnosis, they’re in the doctor’s office, holding hands with a loved one, sitting across the desk from the physician with scan results in the background. When I received my diagnosis, I was walking home from picking up Korean takeout.

Pierced by the Light

As somewhat of a cancer pro, I feel like I should be able to articulate the loneliness and isolation of the cancer experience pretty easily. I mean, I’ve done this dance more than once, for Pete’s sake!