Why Did I Get Cancer?

I grew up in the Catholic Faith. Everything was all part of God’s plan. I could pinpoint certain things in my life and say without a doubt that it was supposed to happen this way.

Being part of a Christian based charity organization, I also surrounded myself with many people who believed the same thing. We saw God do huge things for our Charity- I know that I was doing my “calling” by running and raising money for a cause I loved. I could not deny that I was where I was meant to be.

In 2020, God’s plan was off to a crazy start as my husband and I found out we were pregnant (planned!), then on March 2nd, we found out there were TWO babies, not just one. I laughed as I said, “I KNEW IT!”, I had always known I would be a twin mom.

But things got dicey after I suffered almost every complication possible postpartum. I sat jilted in the hospital bed, attached to every IV keeping me alive, trying to be strong and thinking there had to be a reason for my suffering.

Eight months later, I found myself across the street from the hospital in the waiting room of a cancer center. My assumption was my postpartum complications were causing issues in my breast tissue, and I definitely DID NOT have cancer.

It wasn’t until the radiologist said they needed to consult for a biopsy that I realized I probably did have cancer. I scanned the screen looking for answers and tried not to cry. On the way home, my friend called me to ask if I was okay and I broke down crying and asking why bad things kept happening to me. I did not survive postpartum complications just to get cancer. I could not make sense of what the reason was.

I thought I was a good person- before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I worked with vulnerable populations in the physical therapy field. I raised a bunch of money for charity. I tried to be friendly and encouraging to everyone. I always prayed for people who asked for prayers.

So why did I get cancer?

I feel like everything happens for a reason feels like a support for a person who has never had cancer. The number of times people told me that God was giving my cancer a purpose was outstanding… and hurtful. It felt like they were telling me that God purposefully gave me my cancer- that he pointed me out and made me go through it. “God wouldn’t put you through it if he thought you couldn’t handle it!” Not the supportive statement as people would have thought.

I felt so awful and alone when people told me that it was meant to be. I tried so hard to be so strong and “inspiring” for others that I did not understand the full trauma my body had undergone.

In a way, the benefit I did get from cancer was how I spoke to others when they were going through adversity themselves. Having the understanding that words have weight, words have meaning during difficult times. I realized that the way we try to comfort those needs come from a different place. It’s not encouraging to hear that God made you have cancer. It’s not encouraging to hear everything was meant to be.

Bad things happen, horrible things. And a lot of times, they don’t make sense. We need to stop trying to make them make sense and instead, just sit and hold space for those in the ‘ick’. It’s not comfortable there, there is no comfort for you just sitting there- but it’s better than trying to put a positive spin on the situation.