Survivorship After Having the “Good Cancer”

Patrick. Cait. Casey. Kevin. Jim. Chris. Mike. Alden. Vinnie. Adam. Those are the people I think of most throughout every day I remain cancer-free. Since I have been in my survivorship journey, those ten people have died, all undeserving of what this disease took from them and their loved ones. Every day, I wake up and have to face that I was dealt a hand of cards that lets me go about a relatively normal life while they all had to leave us before their time.

I hate referring to my cancer experience as easy, but for lack of a better term, it was. My carcinoid tumor was found on my appendix during a routine laparoscopy at stage 1, and its removal meant no chemo or radiation. I had endless tests and scans to confirm it was gone, but that was essentially it. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy to try and legitimize my own experience, but one thing I will never understand is why I deserved to have this “good cancer” (yes, that’s something that has been said to me) while all those people I mentioned, among countless others, succumbed to their cancers. Young parents, inspirational leaders, genuinely GOOD people who had so much life left to live. Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Why was 21-year-old me spared from this fate?

The thing I struggle with most is I don’t have an explanation for why this happened to them and not me, and I will never get one what I’ve come to know as survivor’s guilt… A lot of the things I’ve read and listened to from other survivors detail a new outlook on life that comes with having cancer, a sort of “gratitude-first” attitude always because you are SO LUCKY to have gotten this “second chance” as it is sometimes deemed. But life can still be frustrating and hard. How am I supposed to only be positive while also just experience the full spectrum of emotions that come with being a flawed human?

Last fall, I gave birth to my first child, a beautiful baby girl. She has been, by all accounts, a completely chill and happy-go-lucky baby. I had no reason to be upset and frustrated by the major shift that comes with being a new mom, yet I still suffered from severe postpartum depression. If anything, this makes the guilt exponentially worse. I am so aware of the extra time I feel I’ve been given to live my life without it being dictated by cancer, aren’t I doing a disservice to those I’ve lost and not honoring their memory by letting myself wallow in these struggles?

Now, while I haven’t found a “cure” or all-encompassing remedy for survivor’s guilt, I try to live by the advice I received from a friend, Asha, whose path I crossed at CancerCon a few years ago when I was privileged to attend. I had such validating conversations with her about survivor’s guilt, and her message was simple: “Embrace the AND.”
You can be thankful AND angry. You can laugh AND cry in the same day. You can hate what happened to you AND be grateful for the lessons you take from it.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers here, as I am still on this journey. Survivorship is forever – I will never not be a cancer survivor. But giving myself permission and validating all of my emotions has allowed me to navigate all of the other challenges life throws at you just a little bit more easily.

July 2024 marked my 10th year in remission. Much has changed in that time, but some things remain the same, at least for me.

1. Cancer sucks no matter what kind you have or what your treatment/survivorship looks like. Sometimes people might use parts of your story to try and invalidate your experience but shut all that out because it’s not true.

2. There is no remedy for the guilt you carry for outliving your friends or family with cancer or having an “easier” time than them as they experience cancer and survivorship. It is a hole in your heart that never goes away that you simply have to navigate life with.

3. Some days will still end in tears wondering what would’ve been. They get less frequent, but they don’t go away.

4. You will have an overwhelming frustration at your friends or family who refuse to go to the doctor or advocate for themselves. Don’t give up that fight.

5. People will probably never stop saying you had “the good cancer.”

6. You can fire your doctor (this goes for ANY provider). If you don’t get a good vibe or like what they are telling you, get out of there.

7. It makes it easier to find peace and happiness and small moments than in the before cancer times. I take less things for granted now.

8. Honor what your body is telling you. Set boundaries, take time to rest and do whatever makes you the most physically comfortable (and try to forgive the fact that your own body tried to kill you).

9. No matter how weird or “one in a million” your cancer happens to be, there is always SOMEONE, if not many someones, that get what you are going through that you can relate to. Don’t give up on finding them, the peace they bring is incredible.

10. Give yourself permission to have a bad day. There is nothing, and I repeat NOTHING, wrong with letting all of those feelings out. Let the stress release from your muscles, have a good cry. Do whatever it is you need to do to show your feelings and let them go.