Life is Too Short Not to Let Yourself Change Your Mind

Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I had always wanted to be a doctor. And honestly, this dream held up for many years after. But cancer shifted my axis. I was in and out of school. I didn’t know if I’d graduate high school. And then I didn’t know if I’d graduate college. And three years into my pre-med education, I started feeling like I wasn’t on the right path. Actually, I felt like I was off the path entirely – I was somewhere deep in the woods, staring up at a big tree, waiting for it to tell me how I got there. I struggled to plan for the future. My life existed only in intervals of PET scans. My body had an adverse reaction to commitment – especially to anything beyond the next date that my life could be turned on its head. I felt trapped and stuck and lost all at the same time. I had wanted to be a doctor for so long – and now I had this incredible reason to be one… a life-changing medical diagnosis that would make me a more understanding and empathetic healthcare professional… It would be so meaningful to be able to help patients just like me. But after spending so much time in hospitals, did I want to commit to that for the rest of my life? I love medicine. I love science. I love helping people… but it didn’t feel right anymore. And I was getting tired. My body and my brain needed a break. My schooling had been interrupted so many times. I just wanted to finish something – and I’d be lying if I said that the decision to start and finish something new instead of what I had already started didn’t send me into a full-blown panic spiral.

It took a long time for me to accept that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be on the same path as my friends and classmates. And it took a long time for me to understand that no one’s path is linear… mine just started twisting and turning earlier than the paths of my peers. There are so many societal expectations on how we should grow up. Go to college. Finish it in four years. Fast-track your graduate degree. Start making money. Save that money. Get a house. Get married. Have kids. Raise them to follow the same path. But something will always get in the way. Everyone hits pause at some point, whether it’s to question if society’s path is right for them or for reasons out of their control. For me, it was more like pause, play, pause, play, rewind, skip, rewind… but I learned that as long as I don’t hit stop, I’m doing just fine.

I walked (and sometimes crawled) my path right to where I belong – because I created it. My path has never been straight, but it’s always been mine, no matter how many detours I take. At first, I thought changing my mind meant failing, but I see now that I succeeded because I adapted and kept going. I found a career that challenges me and allows me to help others in ways I never imagined. Maybe not as a doctor, but in a way that feels right for who I am today.