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Finding My Herd Through Writing

by Vikki RamdassSurvivor, Triple Negative Breast CancerFebruary 1, 2022View more posts from Vikki Ramdass

“Finding Your Herd.” At a first glance, what does this mean? My first thought was that I should look for a group of animals. Then I realized that I should be looking at people instead. But finding your herd can mean a family with a pet as well. So, what does finding your herd mean to me?

I had to go back to my teenage days where I never really felt as though I belonged anywhere. I was laughed at for wearing the same clothes over and over again, but then I didn’t really have a mother or sister to help me with those “girly” issues. I guess I had trust issues with the world. A guy once told me that I was crippled romantically at a young age, so that’s why I can’t find love. Is this true? Am I searching for a sense of belonging or a soulmate?

Is the idea of “there is someone out there for everyone” even real? Can we prove this, or am I asking too many questions? As usual, there is a lot going on in my head, but my heart has been locked off ever since my love died in a car accident in 2009. He was and still is the long lost love of my life. I often dream that he is running away from me and I keep chasing after him, screaming out his name, hoping that he will come back to me one day. But in the real world, that never happened.

So back to finding my herd. I always longed for a family of my own, the typical girly dream of finding a partner that worshipped you and kids that loved and adored you. Is that too much to ask for nowadays? I am beginning to think that the words “happiness” and “love” are all made up. Maybe I was just a scared, lonely girl just longing for affection that never came. I tried to gain popularity by embarrassing or gossiping about others. It worked for a while, but that was not my true nature.

My late mom always taught me to motivate others, no matter how hard my life was. I miss her so much. It’s amazing how when you are young, you want to fight with your mom, but as you get older, you want to be just like her. Please, my readers out there, don’t miss out on those opportunities. Do something nice for the people you love and care about. You never know how fast things can all change. One night I kissed my mom goodnight and the next morning she died without saying a final word to me.

One night I had a strange feeling that it was the last time I would see or hear my love again, and the next morning, I saw his crashed vehicle at the side of the road. Again, without saying goodbye to me. One year I am on top of the world, graduating from school, then the next year I am in a surgical ward diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. Why me? Please answer me, why me? Why does nothing seem to go my way? Can’t I have just one nice moment in my life?

So many times, I have cried and questioned my existence on this earth, but I still haven’t found the answers. Am I just a robot? Should I just be expected to adapt to anything that is thrown my way? Life seems to be unfair at times, but I try to be positive. So for the last time, finding my herd. What does that mean to me?

Well, it means that I have embraced my challenges in this life. It means that I have found the right people to help me in my cancer journey. It means that I have finally begun to understand and appreciate the beauty of this life. Everyone who has interacted with me has left me with a takeaway lesson in my life. Whether it be good or bad, I have learned from it, and I appreciate the opportunity to be alive instead of questioning it all the time.

I must sincerely thank Elephants and Tea for giving me an avenue to “vent”. I love writing now. I actually missed it before writing this, so I guess it’s my new hobby now, maybe? So my readers, I guess I found my herd. It took a little while, as I will be 37 years young this year, but I love my new herd. It’s one of my greatest joys in life, to be heard in my herd. Get it? 

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